*Not yet fully indentified* Irritability with a friend

Yeaah here we are! Finally putting it into a question and trying to organise some tidiness in the thoughts around it.
I have a good friend, we have been friends now for around 2 years I guess. It feels like more!

Lately, I’ve not really been enjoying our times together, because I have some irritatebilites, and it’s adding up.

For example, this weekend she asked me what I thought about if she would stop by. I felt in combination with another social activity that evening that I would love her to come over for an hour and half. After I told her this option (whatsapp) she asked for confirmation if she understood my ‘offer’ the right way, after which I had the thought: ‘she thinks this is silly’. Which gave me the feeling of defensiveness. I have the idea this reaction comes from the place of added up frustrations. But I do not really know what it is that I am really frustrated about, and then after that also whether it is something I have to work on or it is where I have to set up a boundary. (actually, when I am writing this down I can also see the black/white thinking pattern).

I remember the similar situation last year. I got back from volunteering abroad for 3 months, after she flied to Athens, and we had a short city trip weekend, where I really felt of balance and annoyed by her many times. Haha, oops, now I also realise I probably was in dorsal-vegal/ shut-down state, so maybe it was not really about her. In that weekend (of the city trip) I felt so annoyed especially by parts where she tried to took care for me, or like it felt ‘belittling’ me… and also I really felt trapped in those irritatabilites, because I felt like (thought like) I could not do anything with it because: I did not know what & how to communicate and was frustrated by myself for feeling and behaving/reacting like that: pretty crap situation.

And that is what is happening something also now, except we are not in the same hotel room(s). She is really proud of me (making a dream happen at the moment) but I can’t receive it. But here, it probably also is because I have the feeling she says that when others are around. And that is also what my father did (which I am not in contact with anymore). He was (‘only’) proud when others where around and that was/is a huge bullshit-sign to me.

So some irritatabilities are actually clear. And it hugely is caused by the thoughts I have about those actions; (actions as) taking care of me and saying she is proud of me when others are around, but also say things to me in a imperative way (not really asking).

And I am struggling with 1. if, what & how I could communicate this with her. Since I would love to communicate something with here because I am going to travel for some months and will not see here in real life for this time!! That also puts a bit pressure on it, ‘that I close off well before I leave’.
2. and what I ‘should’ be working on for myself and not putting it unto her (wow, also black/white thinking patterns here!)

I am so curious if you could light up some parts and give me some direction in this!

 

 

Answer:

“Untidy” thought downloads are wonderful, it means you are just letting everything out of your brain and onto the computer and that in itself is powerful. Once we can look at what’s happening, then you can decide what you want to do next.

Like anything else in life, relationships are 50/50. Sometimes we have great fun and other times we are annoyed with the person. This isn’t a problem. I would offer that you are not struggling with boundaries or black and white thinking, but you do have a manual for how your friend acts. This is a list of unwritten rules of how she should behave so you can feel better. You may also have a manual for yourself about how you should behave which is where the pressure to close off well before you leave is coming from. Recognizing and letting go of the manuals that aren’t serving you will help you find some peace in your relationship, and she doesn’t even need to know about it.

Try filling in this model:

C: my friendship

T: What do you want to think about it?

F: what do you want to feel?

A: How do you want to show up? What kind of friend do you want to be?

R: What is your result?

You get to tell the story of your relationship with this beautiful human any way you want to. See what comes up as you think about who you want to be and bring any questions or models back for more coaching.