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I have always felt like an outsider and struggled from intense social anxiety. In the past I have tried hard to battle against this (trying to be the person I wanted to be, eventually burning out), and I had a pattern of cutting ties and running away to start again. In the last few years, I have worked more to accept who I am, and accept my awkwardness and difference.

I am now in a settled situation with a house, a boyfriend and a community of people with similar interests. However, I feel more of an outsider now than ever. I have priorities that other people don’t share. I don’t drink, I like a particular routine (hate late nights), and I feel confused and suffocated after a certain amount of time socialising. Everyone else seems to be more laid back than me, more ‘fun’, social and happy.

The community I am in is one of sailors – me and my partner are both sailors. If I was respected for having good sailing skills, it would be easier to be the different person I am. But I have intense self doubt and fear of being seen, which effects my ability to sail – performance anxiety. This happens all the time because I don’t feel comfortable with people. Its incredibly painful, and my sense of self worth feels at rock bottom.

My instinct tells me to cut ties and run, again. Perhaps I need to find a community who is more similar to me. Yet, to break away from the sailing world would be incredibly upsetting.

I know the thoughts that I have about myself are creating this situation. It just seems impossible to not have these thoughts when I am with other people. They overwhelm me, and their effect is immediate.

I would be grateful for an outside perspective! Thank you.

Answer:

I love that you said that it seems impossible to not have these thoughts when you are with other people because that’s how we know where your limit is right now. One great thing about moving towards the mental and emotional place we’d like to be is that we can break our growth down into a lot of small – even tiny – digestible, doable steps. ALL of those steps are important and integral to reaching our goals no matter how trivial or minute they may seem before you take it. Your small steps could look like wondering if you’re not the only sailor who likes to go to bed early, or looking for stories about people who aren’t drinkers in other groups where drinking seems to be just as important as the things they do before the cans are cracked (I’m thinking sober folks in Hollywood, or rugby players who don’t drink), or allowing yourself to think something like, “It’s possible that I made one respectable decision on the water today,” and then naming that one thing.

You don’t have to kick your harsh thoughts out right now, but you can start wondering about what might be possible for you to think in addition to them. Create a list of ideas that begin with some of the following…

“It’s possible that…”

“Maybe…”

“I wonder…”

“I’m open to…”

What do you notice about how you feel when you see this list? Finally, check out the Model Workshop in the Bonuses tab , and be sure to watch the Self-Love webinar in the Cycle Toolkit. Come back when you’re ready for next steps.