Often churning after phone-calls with my mom

Hello,

I’m learning to self-coach and would please love some help with my thought models.

I often feel frustrated and upset after phone-calls with my mom. Sometimes, it’s that I feel like she just rants/ vents/ talks “at” me and it doesn’t feel like a conversation. Today, I am frustrated about a recent conversation because a few things came up that vexed me. One thing she said about my siblings & I was: “you’ll understand me so much more when you become parents.” She has made a few comments like this over the years, which bother me because I’m not sure I’ll ever have kids. Now, I really do want kids, but I’m not sure it will happen for me, which makes me even more upset. The other reason I’m churning about it she was being really defensive about something (not even something I had said to her, but criticism she had received from someone else, that I actually agree with!). I just stayed quiet, because had I said anything she would have cried and got even more defensive. I’m going through a difficult time at the moment (which is why we were talking) and I didn’t have it in me to add more drama to my day.

Thought models:
C: Phone-call with my mom
T: I can’t bear her defensiveness
F: Frustration
A: Churning over it for hours or even days. Replaying conversation and wishing I had the guts to speak my mind, but also knowing I sometimes don’t have it in me to deal with the result that would cause.
R: ? I struggle with action & result. Continue churning? Other feelings popping up too?

IM:
C: Phone-call with my mom
T: ?
F: Acceptance
A: Moving on from phone-call immediately
R: Feeling calm and centered?

Would appreciate any advice you have. Thank you!

Answer:

Great question. I’d guess that the R line of your UM would likely be something like, “I can’t bear my own responses to her, so I don’t do anything different.” Regarding your second model, your intentional one, I that feeling acceptance is the goal because you can invite this into your world right now as you look at yourself by practicing acceptance of how you show up.

Acceptance doesn’t have to mean contentment, and it also doesn’t mean that you’re fixed. What it means is awareness and understanding of what’s going on with you in the moment, without judging yourself for it. It can sound like, “It makes a lot of sense that I’m feeling this way,” or, “I’m noticing that I’m replaying this conversation over and over again. It’s not enjoyable, but it’s happening. What’s going on?” This allows us to ask ourselves important questions, reflect with intention, and identify what we’d like to do differently in the future.

What can you accept about yourself now in relation to your mother and the phone calls with her? What comes up for you when you answer that question? Tell us in a follow up submission titled, “Phone calls with mum pt. 2”.