Old Me vs. New Me: Practicing Identity Shifts in Real Life

Hi Coaches,

I had a really revealing moment yesterday and thought it would be helpful to work through it here.

While out for lunch, I unexpectedly bumped into someone from my childhood—someone I was briefly friends with at age nine, before she became best friends with my best friend, and I was left out. We haven’t seen each other in over 20 years. She’s now working as a waitress at a restaurant I went to, and the moment caught me completely off guard.

In the interaction, I noticed myself defaulting to “Old Me” behaviors:
– Waits for her to recognize me first, doesn’t initiate.
– Feels a spike of insecurity when she says she thought of me.
– Asks “Really? Me?” in a surprised, small way.
– Feels like I have to justify or explain myself.
– Worries about being judged for my privilege.
– Keeps the conversation short to avoid discomfort or “taking up space.”
– Feels overly visible and uneasy sitting in the restaurant afterward.
– Tips consciously to avoid judgment, not from genuine ease.

New Me (How I’d Like to Show Up):
– I initiate warmly, with eye contact: “Hey, it’s been ages! Nice to see you here.”
– I’m grounded and open, knowing exactly who I am.
– If she says she thought of me, I smile and say, “That’s lovely—what brought me to mind?”
– I stay curious and light.
– I choose the tone of the interaction with calm leadership.
– I naturally add: “Are you still doing hair or have you switched things up?”
– I sit down feeling relaxed, like I belong.
– I tip generously and easily, not out of fear but from gratitude for good service.

I can see this is a subtle but powerful example of where my identity work is still integrating. I’d love feedback on how to keep practicing this “New Me” version more consistently.

Is it helpful to keep mapping out Old Me vs. New Me after these kinds of moments? Or is there another practice that will help me embody this more naturally over time?

Maybe I could explore it more through a model but it feels almost too insignificant to do that with.

Happy to hear any thoughts you have.

Answer:

I love that you ask how to keep practicing! Let’s use sports as a metaphor for this. There aren’t any high performing athletes or teams who succeed without practicing outside of their competitions – their big moments. What do they do between matches, races, and competitions? Where do they do it? Foam pits, home turf, low stakes environments. It’s in these places that they can practice new moves, new techniques, and do less glamorous work so they can excel in situations where they can’t predict what their competition will do. Where is your foam pit? What are the low stakes situations where you can practice stepping into this identity shift so when you’re ‘in the field’ you can do it with more ease?

On that note, it makes so much sense to review these engagements where you see room for you to shift as long as it’s supportive of you – coming from a place of love and support for you on your path. It’s data, and you can use that data for good.