On Godparenting, Boundaries, and My Cousin’s Partner

1. Context: Why I Made the Godparent Decision
A few years ago, I asked my cousin to be my son’s godmother. At the time, I also included her partner as godfather. I made that decision partly out of urgency and fear—I wanted to ensure someone would step in if something happened to me. I also didn’t fully trust my cousin to show up consistently on her own, so involving her partner felt like a safeguard.

In hindsight, I realize I was operating from fear and trying to “secure” her involvement through him. I now regret that decision.

2. What’s Changed: Doubts About His Role and Intentions
Over the last two years, particularly since her father’s death and her receiving a large inheritance, I’ve started to deeply question her partner’s motives. While I’m not saying he doesn’t care for her, I sense a self-serving agenda—especially around money, control, and permanence. He seems very intent on solidifying his place in her life, and I now feel I unintentionally supported that by giving him a symbolic place in my family.

My cousin is emotionally vulnerable, very people-pleasing, and deeply dependent—previously on her father, now on this man. I sense that she is no longer able to discern her own boundaries clearly, and that makes me feel uneasy, especially when it comes to her presence around my son.

3. A Visceral Boundary Was Crossed
During a recent visit, where my son and I stayed over for the night, I left him in their care the next morning while I went shopping. I had dressed him and expected they’d take him to the playground. Instead, I received a message from my cousin saying—almost jokingly—that they were all back in bed in their pajamas.

This triggered an intense, visceral reaction. My nervous system went into overdrive. It wasn’t just that plans had changed—it was that my four-year-old had been undressed (I don’t know by whom), invited into their bed, and was cuddling with both of them, including her partner. That crossed a deep boundary for me.

4. Intuition vs. Paranoia
I’ve questioned myself a lot: Am I paranoid? Am I overreacting? But what I come back to is this: something feels off. My son is developing a strong bond with this man, and I suspect the attention and warmth he shows is deliberate—calculated even. It doesn’t feel grounded in service of my son or respectful of me as his mother, but rather in service of solidifying this man’s role in my family.

It’s not that I believe something overtly harmful has happened. But I do believe this man has no business being that physically close or emotionally involved with my child. I no longer want him in that role.

5. My Cousin’s Complicity and Her Blind Spot
What hurt even more was how my cousin handled it—or didn’t. When I returned and tried to speak with her, she was uncomfortable, but admitted she told my son to change into pajamas so he could come into bed. But when I didn’t drop it, she shut the conversation down and deferred. That alone revealed a lot: she doesn’t see the implications, she prioritizes his comfort, and she protects him—at the cost of her own voice, and now, potentially, my son’s safety.

I no longer trust her judgment where he is concerned.

6. The Aftermath: Gifts, Manipulation, and Smirks
What followed only confirmed my discomfort. Upon leaving, he gave my son a carefully written card “from both of them” (which my cousin forgot to sign) and a gift for me. It felt manipulative—like an attempt to smooth things over or maintain influence. I didn’t read the letter to my son.

I recognized that moment as defining. It wasn’t just about a visit gone wrong—it was a turning point where I had to stop brushing things aside for the sake of comfort or peace. I needed to be honest about what I felt and what I would allow going forward.

7. Where I Stand Now: Clarity and Boundaries
After a lot of reflection, I’ve come to this:
• I still want my cousin to be my son’s godmother.
• I want to maintain a relationship with her.
• But I do not want her partner involved in any way going forward.
• I no longer owe him a place in my son’s life. I’ve changed my mind—and I’m allowed to.

I don’t plan to explain or justify myself. I will instead set boundaries clearly and step by step. I’ll stop using the group chat we once had and only speak to her directly. I’ll suggest meetups just with her and be clear that I want time between her and us—not her and her boyfriend and us.

If she’s unwilling to continue our relationship on those terms, that’s her choice. But I need to honor mine.

8. The Wedding Bombshell
She recently sent me a voice message saying they’re getting married in August and that she wants me and my son there. My immediate reaction was no. I cannot, in good conscience, support this marriage—not anymore.

The timing doesn’t feel right for me. I want to support her in making her own decisions—it’s her life, and she can marry whomever she chooses. But I don’t want to be placed in a position where my presence feels like a form of endorsement. I don’t want to pledge my allegiance to a relationship I deeply mistrust.

I’m still figuring out how to respond to the invitation.

⸻

Coach, here’s what I’d love support with:
• Am I missing something crucial in my reflection or this thought download?
• Why do I still feel like I need permission to withdraw my consent? Where is the guilt coming from—is it old people-pleasing patterns?
• I’m aware of my fear of judgment, even here from you.
• How do I protect my energy, emotional safety, and integrity in this situation—without going into self-doubt or over-explaining?

Answer:

First of all, if you (or anyone reading this) suspects or has confirmed child abuse, we encourage you to first ensure you and the child’s immediate safety and then report to local authorities or child advocates. Seeking out professional support from a therapist, psychiatrist, or doctor is also important. 

In the UK you can contact the NSPCC Helpline by calling 0808 800 5000 or emailing help@NSPCC.org.uk.

The voice Helpline is currently available 10am–4pm Monday to Friday. You can still email help@NSPCC.org.uk at any time for free. You don’t have to say who you are.

In the US you can find support and resources at www.childhelphotline.org or by texting or calling 1-800-422-4453

Dearest, we add this paragraph to any questions we feel may need more support than coaching can provide.

Thank you for this question, you are safe to ask it here. You have some very good questions that you can absolutely work through if you’d like…while honouring your decisions and boundaries around this person. You also have the option to listen to your inner voice when it tells you something is off, regardless of it it “makes sense” or not.

Moving forward may be very uncomfortable. People may be upset. You may still have self doubt and you may over-explain. So, what? What is the alternative?

If you could give yourself the biggest, most comforting hug right now, and whisper something in your ear, what would you say to yourself?