Opening Up In Relationships

Hi Coaches,

I don’t have a word for the year but I’ve been thinking lately that I might choose Relating as my word. I want to remodel how I relate to others and myself. I’ve been doing a lot of work learning how childhood abuse creates inner and outer criticism, can lead to isolation and social anxiety, and creates codependent relationship patterns. I’ve been gaining some deep insights and wow, some really beautiful shift are happening.

I want to remodel the ways I relate and connect to myself and others because I feel very hidden away and I also have a lot of social anxiety.

Sometimes when I text a friend I’ll hear a voice that says, they don’t want to hear from you. And it makes me feel really sad and it doesn’t foster connection.

I have this friend that I really like but sometimes I feel like she doesn’t want to be my friend. I know this isn’t true because she’s never said or done anything to indicate that. She will often advocate for her needs and say no when she’s busy and I find myself internalizing and taking it personal. I know these are symptoms of being a survivor, a diminished sense of worth within relationships.

A while ago she shared with me that she was autistic and I thought it was really brave. It didn’t change the way I thought about her, it just made me more curious about her.

I have been feeling like I want to tell her that I’m a survivor of childhood abuse. Because I haven’t told anyone but my partner and my therapists and counsellors. But when I go to text her I just hear this voice say, she doesn’t want to hear this, who would want to hear this, it’s just you talking about yourself, and it’s going to make her feel bad and sad and she will want to avoid you all together. So I find myself not texting her really at all because I don’t want to “bother” her.

I was thinking maybe I could ask her if I could share somethings about what I’m going through and see if she would be open to hearing that? I even thought about telling her that I’ve been afraid to tell people because I don’t want to be stigmatized but also that it’s very hard to pretend to be like everyone else when my life has been very very different. I thought about how maybe she might have felt this way when telling people she was autistic? I dunno.

I’m really tired of pretending that I have everything figured out when I really don’t. I have accomplished a lot for someone who was so severely abused. But I still find I am wearing a mask.

I have this other friend who is a survivor of domestic violence and has this epic inspiring story! And she tells everyone she’s a survivor. Her whole life embraces and celebrates her survivorship. I wonder what it would be like to embrace this fact about myself fully and completely and celebrate all I have accomplished in the face of so much adversity and really allow others in on this truth too.

Answer:

Why do you think you want to share this part of your story with someone who you’re not sure likes you? Do a bit of very gentle exploring. What does your brain think would be the best possible outcome? What might be the worst? Is there any part of you that thinks sharing this part of you will create a certain reaction you want in this relationship? Where is that coming from?

There is no right or wrong answer here.

Very interesting to notice your question: What would it be like to embrace yourself fully and celebrate you? Let yourself imagine it. You don’t have to be exactly like this friend who talks about being a survivor, but pay attention to what you admire about her. What qualities does she have that you might like to cultivate? What would be the first tiny step towards becoming this version of you?