Opening Up In Relationships Part 2

Hi Coaches,

I answered your questions below. I really enjoyed answering them and I am spotting some areas to work on. Please send any other coaching you may have!

Why do you think you want to share this part of your story with someone who you’re not sure likes you?

I feel like the thought that they don’t like me comes from my history of abuse. They have never mistreated or disrespected me. They’ve never shown that they don’t like me. I find myself thinking that. It will be that they might take some time to text me back and they even explain why and I take it personal regardless? Does that make sense? Like an inner wounded kid, feeling that nobody likes her.

What does your brain think would be the best possible outcome?

The best possible outcome is that they have empathy for me and share some words of encouragement.

What might be the worst?

The worst would be if they thought I was talking about myself too much and were annoyed. ( which is how my family responded to me growing up)

Is there any part of you that thinks sharing this part of you will create a certain reaction you want in this relationship?

Yes! I want to be accepted and celebrated and loved for what I’ve lived through. I want people to be moved by what I lived through and I want to inspire, people like my friend who is a survivor does.

Where is that coming from?

I believe it comes from the part of me that has been silent for so long and internalized it. It’s like if I had cancer and didn’t tell anyone. It’s a lot of weight to carry and pretend I’m not suffering.

What would it be like to embrace yourself fully and celebrate you?

There’s something here that makes me feel excited. I’m gonna try my best to name it. It’s like, if I love and accept every part of myself and my story then I don’t need someone else to. I see that version of myself as so strong and empowered. The sensation is like a strong tall back, chest up, heart forward. It feels like embracing and loving others who lived through this also. It feels like strength coming from fierce love of others and justice from love not a place of anger. Like I could champion others and myself. It feels like warrior pose! It also feels like a deep understanding of life, beyond what my culture says is the reality. And it feels like allyship or advocacy. I like the image of myself this way. There is no shame for what I lived through because I did not perpetrate those harms. I survived them and I’m healing and the fact that I am still alive and connected to my empathy and gentleness and love for others and animals and nature is very powerful. It makes me feel inspired by my own nature and what I’ve created from all this pain and heart break. I get to make something beautiful and share that beauty and hope and medicine with others. Because I truly love others, especially those who have a similar story to mine. I’ve been practicing understanding myself as a survivor and it has been helping a lot with social anxiety. I’ll hear myself in a social setting saying in my mind, it’s okay you feel this way, it makes sense you feel this way, you’re safe and let’s be extra gentle.

What qualities does she have that you might like to cultivate?

She has her truth. She doesn’t carry shame and she doesn’t let others stigmatize her. She’s self responsible in a way that includes what she’s lived through and has compassion and understanding for herself. She has a clear sense of justice. She holds others and systems accountable in a way that isn’t doing harm back to them. She sees herself as healthy and whole and also understands she needs healing. She doesn’t harm others. She sees the places in the world that are wrong and unjust but doesn’t make it her work to fix them, her work has been to find others like herself and to uplift and empower them. She’s inspiring!

What would be the first tiny step towards becoming this version of you?

Lately I’ve been talking to myself differently. I’ve been identifying how I make certain aspects of myself a problem and how it brings me down. I’ve been practicing talking to the part of me that feels sad and wounded and broken. I tell myself, it’s okay to sit and have a tea and read. It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to nap. It’s understandable, you’ve been through so much. And that I’m not broken or unproductive, I remind myself I don’t need to be mean to myself to get myself to do something. That tasks can be enjoyable and I don’t need to force myself. And I find myself completing tasks in a more enjoyable way. I’m working on identifying how much of my abuse I have internalized. I usually feel really bad that I don’t have a job but recently I started celebrating that I have allowed myself not to work and that I have focused on my healing. That fact itself could be a sign of how responsible I am, because this work is hard to do and I have been very brave. I keep trying to stay connected to this part of me who sees everything and has this wide open awareness and who wants to be kind and understanding. Like a kind and loving parent! Yes, it’s like reparenting! And I notice that when I’m kind like this towards myself my relationship with my partner deepens and becomes really lovely and easeful. And there’s more joy. I’ve been working on seeing myself as beautiful and enjoying how I look more and more. It’s a little bit like a spell has been broken or a cloud is lifting and I get to enjoy being more free from the hurt that has lingered from the years of abuse.

Answer:

What lovely insights you’ve brought out here. We’re cheering for you as you do this work. How do you feel about sharing your story with this friend now?

I noticed this statement and wanted to point it out: “It’s like, if I love and accept every part of myself and my story then I don’t need someone else to.”

What energy would that bring to a conversation with your friend if you choose to have one? What result would you want to create for yourself? Do some intentional models and see what you find.