opening up to coaching / using TFC under the influence of trauma

Hello!

I wish to share something that I suspect stands between me “using” TFC in a way that is supportive and me using TFC against myself.

Before I start: I am in therapy and am consistently working on this outside TFC. I am aware that this is really bigger than anything I could handle only through self coaching and TFC material. However, the TFC material offers so many powerful tools that I can use as a support but at the moment I am struggling to find a resourceful way of using these tools.

I recently reached the next level in dealing with traumatic experiences caused by the mostly emotional abuse of my father. I am aware of this for a longer time and TFC has supported me in the understanding and recovering process. (for instance: I am able to see that the trauma responses are there to protect me…) However, I also reached a point where I am actually able to not only see and tell the story, observe and know when my nervous system goes into protection mode and take the best care of myself that is accessible at that moment. After a recent therapy session I am able to see and say out loud the effects my experiences and the trauma responses had on me. I understand the decisions I started making when I was a young child in order to prevent bad things from happening to me, and how this ultimately led to the life I am living today. This unveiling is very painful, I feel anger, sadness and grief rising up and the wanting for change, for creating space inside and outside of me, for being the person that stand in the center of my own life instead of somebody else.

This is the point where really mean thoughts are coming up and I feel a lot of shame bringing my experiences up.

So why I actually push myself and continue writing this is: I want to find a more helpful way to use TFC and thought work at the moment as I feel more ready to ask questions such as: who am I, what do I want, what do I need (with an actual emphasis on the CAPITAL I). I ask myself: how can I set a goal and not make the issues I might have in achieving it bigger (for example: using my experiences as a child and young adult as a constant response for everything that has happened and will happen in my life but also using the thoughts I was taught having about myself to gaslight me).

I tried to be as brief as possible and as specific as I can and am thankful for your support.

 

 

Answer:

 

This is incredible work. Have you taken a moment – a significant moment – to celebrate your growth that you’ve described here? How? Tell us about it!! Celebration is one of TFC’s most impressive and powerful tools in the kit and often helps us open up to new possibilities as much as any other tool we teach.

As for growth and not using thought work against ourselves, it’s a wonderful question. I wonder if you can set a goal knowing that those thoughts and patterns will arise and having part of the goal being your openness to working with them, not in response to, or against them. It’s sort of like knowing that these parts of you are along for the ride, but they don’t get to drive the car or give you directions. I wonder what you think of using that metaphor and if any others come up for you that fit well. What do you think?