Other people thinking thoughts about me – Part 2 – Answers to further ask a coach question

My answers to questions are indicated with a ‘-‘
Great job with your models and noticing how different thoughts and feelings create the same actions.
Notice that your focus in your unintentional model is guessing what to do to create a reaction out of him. You are checking his reaction to determine how he feels, and if you should do something different to create the feeling if you perceive the one you want in his body language.
Why is being yourself not enough? A possible result for each of these to try out and see what resonates are as follow: 1. I don’t like myself 2. I intimidate myself 3. I am not nice to myself 4. I don’t behave as myself 5. I don’t like myself 6. i am negative to myself.
– Being myself is not enough because for some reason, my liking myself is not enough – other people have to like me too in order for me to feel validated. It can feel sometimes like I don’t trust my own judgement, or that other judgements (or what I perceive to be judgements from others) are more important, especially those of men, who I perceive to be less likely to be polite if they don’t like me, which also feels slightly threatening and makes me feel unsafe. So I feel the need to appease them in some way and make them like me. It’s a very old feeling, reinforced by many negative experiences of men which have made me feel unsafe, something about not only not being safe, not being recognised as having value, not worth respecting or protecting.

If you liked yourself, you could be you, and know that it is enough. You would not feel the need to change. How he responds has to do with him, and is not about you. When we like ourselves, it is easier to understand it could not mean anything about us.
– This would be a big change of mindset for me – I do get this intellectually but ‘living’ it, manifesting it in my life and truly believing it does feel possible.

In the same way you intimidate yourself to not be yourself. You are not nice to yourself to think that you have to be different than you.
What would it take for you to give him permission to be himself and for it to mean nothing about you? Even if we knew that he did not like you for example, what would that matter if you were yourself and liked who you were?

– I have been thinking about this since I read the coaching feedback and I still can’t answer it. The questions applies to difficult colleagues, my ex, my Dad, my mad Uncle and to every other man in my life. Could it be as simple as I choose to think/feel this? ?For example, intention model below:
C:
T: [name] is being himself and it means nothing about me.
F: Free.
A: Think my own thoughts.
A: Do my own thing.
R: Live my own life

For your intentional model, what do you want to focus your thought on? Do you want to focus on how he is, how you are, the reason you are getting together with your friend, or something else?
Choose the belief that makes you feel the way you want during this visit.
– I think more about how I am, because its the only thing I can really influence so things like feeling free, safe, etc

 

Answer:

Great work! You have shown yourself is the work is your thoughts on yourself. As those get stronger, than it will be easier to address your thoughts about others to you.

There is one thing that you pointed out that is critical to address. You mention not feeling safe. This is critical to know and understand. No intentional thought will be believable if you don’t feel safe. That will be the first thing to address. In what ways does your brain tell you that you are not safe? How could those things be true? And how are they not true?

When you have those feeling of men not liking you, or anything that does not feel safe, address that first. One way, is to put your hand over your heart, and remind yourself that you are safe. Close your eyes or soften your gaze, take some deep breaths, and notice how your feet connect to the ground. Keep taking deep breaths and as you begin to feel safer, then you can get to a more intentional thought.

If you believe that intentional thought you wrote, and it creates a desirable feeling that will drive those actions, then yes. That is what you can do after feeling safe.

If you focus on you, what would you have to believe to feel free or confident? Maybe something like “I like who I am.” or “I am my best self, when I am myself.” What else?