Over-functioning for my partner

I’d like coaching on my tendency to over- function for my partner. Having learnt about this concept of over-functioning in the flow collective has helped me identify when this is going on and to talk about it with my partner, so where I’m at with it now is that I am doing it far less but I think I still have a belief that I do need to do certain things for him and I’m curious if that is true or not.
A recent example is in this model..

C: He missed an assignment deadline
T: He doesn’t think ahead
F: Exasperation
A: Desire to organise his time for him / problem solve for him
A: Bought him a calendar
A: Worry about his time more than he does
A: Want him to be able to prioritise his time like I can
R: Perpetuate thought that he can’t think ahead

I think I am somehow judging myself for over-functioning for him emotionally and also am confused about what level of concern would be healthy and how much I should help him. This example is persistently challenging for me because I am very organized and have a high standard that I am clearly comparing him to which is not helpful.

There are lots of other examples of how I over-function for him in terms of both physical and emotional labour and I have got so used to doing things to take care of him that I probably don’t even see them all. He is not expectant of these things , it’s all coming from me…

 

Answer:

I hope that you can take a moment to honor the self-awareness that you have and are bringing here – it’s truly a wonderful stepping stone to be on (even if it doesn’t feel like it). Let’s take a look at the model you presented. I think the R-line that you create is that you continue to be the person thinking ahead (and you perpetuate the belief that he can’t as well). I want you to know that there is nothing inherently wrong or bad about what you are doing. Why are you judging yourself? When you answer that question, what thoughts and feelings come up for you when you reflect on your answers?

When you respond, please title your submission, “Over-functioning for partner pt. 2” so we know which post you’re following up on. We look forward to revealing your next steps.