Over-responsability Family

I find myself triggered with an old model when I accompany my 4 year old to sleep in the evenings. Highly triggered when she was a baby and cried several hours in the evening, and now I’m triggered mostly when I’m not connected well with myself, tired, or having a list of unfulfilled needs.

I realised already earlier that the model comes from my relationship with my mom, but it tends to get out of focus and then I’m suprised about my emotions till I rediscover the model again. My parents had a conflicted relationsship and my mom is a highly sensitive person with ongoing health problems and we cultivated in my early childhood a very close relationship which also contained me feeling responsible for her wellbeing and me getting involved deeply into her thoughts and feelings. Over the last 5 years we had a massive rupture in our relationship and just recently found our way back towards each other with love and compassion and boundaries. So it is well processed, but the topic of feeling over-responsable for other people wellbeing is still here. Sometimes I catch it right away, sometimes I realise it only when I’m all in.

So the unintentional model I think I get into is:

C: my child has troubles to fall asleep
T: I don’t know what she needs, but I should know.
F: Helpless
A: I get stressed, I build up resistance on feeling responsible, I cry, I judge myself and her, I’m searching for solutions on a base of lack and disconnection, I stop being compassionate, I’m suffering, I don’t support myself, I stop trusting myself and my gut feelings.
R: I don’t now what she needs and I can’t accompany her in the way I want to.

I startet to ask my partner to take over more frequently if I get triggerd and go and sit with feeling helpless.

I was able to write down what A’s I want instead. But I can’t tell if I have to create an intentional model for my inner child, who feels helpless and thinks it should know, or for now, me as a mother. Somehow I think there would be different thoughts… I’m confused at this point and would like to know your thoughts on this.

This is how far I got with a (upside down) intentional model, I think the thought is more the grown up thought. But the feeling goes deep and goes in contact with my inner child.

R: her sleep experiences mean nothing about me and I accompany her out of a save place
A: To have compassion for my child and us being in this situiation, more being, less doing, stay connected with her, observe and learn, stay connected with me, ask for support
F: I feel seen
T: It is ok that I don’t know what might be helpfull
C: my child has troubles to fall asleep

Thank you!

 

Answer:

Great questions. Good start of your models too.

For your unintentional model, what do you think of the result: I don’t see what I need?

You are focused on your child’s need in a way as if you are responsible for how she feels or responds. You judge your actions on what she does. What would it look like if you focus on what you need to show up as the parent you want to be.

That may look like focusing on letting your child know that you are there. You could do that with words, being with her, singing to her, etc. Maybe you want her to know that you believe that she can do it on her own. Maybe you communicate that with words, where you stay, a reassuring facial expression, etc. Notice how none of these things depend on her reactions. They define how you want to be, and they are things that you can control.

From there, you can decide you are doing exactly what you are meant to do in that moment based on your goals for yourself. So, what would that look like? Take your actions in your intentional model, and describe what that would look like. For example, if you approached the situation with compassion, what would that look like?

In regards to your inner child, many times your inner child does not feel safe. So what do you need to feel safe in this situation? Maybe it is to believe that whatever you do is the best thing for you to do. Maybe it is that your presence, however, you want that to look, is how you want to show up.

With these ideas in mind, what feeling would you need to feel, in one word, to show up and be the parent you wish regardless of your child’s response? What would you have to believe to feel that way?