Over responsibility for partners health

I would like some feedback about these models and situation

Unintentional
C: My partner tells me he’s giving up coffee for a while
T: He’s telling me so I can keep him accountable and be responsible for his choices
F: burdened
A: Make a sarcastic comment about the last time he gave up coffee, stay up later than I want to talking about it with him, saying all of my thoughts about caffeine
R: Tire myself out and take on responsibility for his choices without being asked to

Intentional
C: my partner tells me he’s giving up coffee for a while
T: He gets to choose his relationship to caffeine
F: neutral
A: Listen to him without judgement, respect his choices, reserve my focus and energy for my own choices, go to bed after brief conversation
R: I don’t take responsibility for his choices

As background I’d like to say my mum has always spoken to me at length about my dads food, drink and lifestyle choices. She has some deeply held beliefs that as his life partner it’s her job to control or at least influence his choices and is judgemental about anything she sees as excessive.

I don’t want this for myself or my relationships but I find it hard to believe the thought ‘He gets to choose’

Thanks in advance for your help.

Answer:

First of all, your models are very well done. I’d like to offer different Rs for each. In the UM, it sounds like your R is that you’re actually not taking responsibility or being accountable in your relationship to yourself and blaming him for what you’re experiencing. In the IM, it sounds like your R is that you’re taking responsibility for yourself in your relationship.

Why do you find the thought, “He gets to choose,” difficult to believe? The answer to this will highlight some of the thoughts that are between where you are now and living in your Intentional Model. Come back with some more questions and for more coaching on how to lean into this belief.