Overwhelm

Hello. First of all, thank you so much for offering this amazing opportunity! I would love some help with a situation I currently experience with regard to my hobby. I’m a very passionate horse back rider. I love horses. I always feel so calm and grounded when I’m surrounded by them. I always ride the same horse. And I’m incredibly grateful to the owner for letting me ride her horse. The horse has developed some health issues recently. So we stopped riding the horse in order to try to improve the horse’s health. That’s all fine with me. I want the best for the horse. However, several things are affecting me.

1) I feel like there are some (hidden) tensions between me and the owner. The owner suggested a new training method and I voiced some concerns, but she simply ignored them. My impression is that since then we are polite on the surface but each message contains hidden accusations etc. under the surface.

2) I love spending time with the horse, but when I go to the stable I now always worry that I will be judged by others. It’s a big stable so of course there are other people and I feel like everyone knows best (it’s a general phenomenon, not specific to my situation). So when I go to the stable, I don’t want to meet certain people because I worry they are only waiting for me to make a mistake.

3) The horse still doesn’t seem to get better, which I’m really worried about. I’m really willing to look at how my own behavior contributed to the problems, but the owner doesn’t seem to be willing to have an open conversation about how we all contributed to the problems. She has made up her mind and that’s it.
I feel overwhelmed and saddened by it all and don’t really know where to start. Horses and the community around them have always given me so much, but suddenly some of the ease has been taken away. I’m looking forward to your answer. Thank you!

Answer:

By understanding the model, we can see that it is our thoughts that create our feelings. It is not what other people are doing or saying. So if you feel tension, this is from your thoughts like “she ignores me.” This is not to say that you should not feel tension. It is to recognize that it is coming from you. The beauty in that is that it give you the power. How you feel is not dependent on someone else’s actions.

This means that when you feel tension, it is not from the owner. It comes from what you think about what the owner says and does. When we realize that, then we can look at what our thought is creating this feeling, and decide how that thought is true and how it is not. We can decide if we like thinking that thought.

In the example with owner, what is your concern if she is accusing you of things? If she is accusing you, does that have more to do with you, her, or something else?

These same ideas can be applied to feeling judged. Try these feelings out in some models.

Here is an example:
C: Other people at the stable
T: They know better than I do
F: Judged
A: Avoid interacting
A: Worry about making a mistake
R: I don’t see what is better for me.

When you are focusing on what other people are thinking, you do not see what you believe about yourself. What do you want to believe about being at the stable? (Make sure that what other people do are not part of that belief.)

(For the 3rd point, it would help to understand what the owner made her mind up about the horse. Feel free to come back with more details to that if you need help.)