Overwhelmed and burned out at work. How do I get through?

Hi,

I need help. I feel completely at a Loss as to how to survive the coming months, weeks, frankly, I don’t know how to even get home safely tonight.

I’m under immense pressure at work. I’m a buyer here since June last year working predominantly for the Subscription Service, a complicated project that requires heavy investment in sourcing 30 new wines every 3 months and I’ve been playing catch up with lead times ever since I started. About a month ago now half the leadership team was let go and my last project sign off was a catastrophe – rushed and stressed as only 4 weeks to turn around a 12week project it was never going to be perfect. We changed the brief halfway through the previous brief as lead times became increasingly worse from America to focus strictly on European origins. My boss, my senior colleague and the COO were at the sign off, absolutely tearing apart every piece followed by a ‘you’ve cornered yourself, this will have drastic consequences’ talk. I feel completely wrongly done by, as they seem to have changed the requirements without communicating to me resulting in misaligned sourcing and frankly, so much wasted time and effort.
Two weeks later, sign off take 2, this time just the COO and my senior colleague, the COO throws up his arms at wine no 2/35 accusing me of incompetence and just thoughtlessly throwing together the selection. I actually feel quite proud of my reaction to this, as I took a deep quiet breath and calmly said that I had to vehemently object to this accusation pointing to the evidence in the presentation of a line up curated of award winning wines with each a clear link to the theme. I said that I couldn’t let this accusation stand and how I felt insulted by his suggestion. This then resulted in the COO exclaiming insult on his behalf and how I clearly had no place if I couldn’t accept there needed to be improvement. I felt very shaken and then said that I needed to take a short time out to reassemble myself and if he and my senior colleague (who didn’t say a word) could in the meantime agree how we best move forward here as well as concrete examples of what I should present in future. I took two minutes in the bathroom to calm myself and pep talk before going back in to save all the hard work I had pit in as well as the project itself. The COO actually acknowledged that the quality of the selection had always been the highlight of the subscription and never in question and really he’d like to just see the presentation amended with quotes from producers to bring the story home. The remainder of the meeting was very constructive and rather positive.

Now I’m on performance improvement since Thursday the week before last. For having questioned the authority of the COO.

I feel that I am being set up to fail. I feel bullied and discriminated. Not ever would anybody have spoken to one of my male colleagues like this. I can’t help but wonder if I was set up to just quit there and then and not return into the meeting – they have no reason to fire me and no argument to let me go either (recruiting for a new position in the team atm as another colleague leaving).

I currently work 3-4 days in the office the rest from home. I tend to work 8-6 in the office, 6-7/9-3/4-5/8-9pm on home days. Sometimes have my 4 year old at home while I’m still working as my husband is more flexible and can care for him. It was brought up at the review meeting that it was unacceptable to have a child appear in a work call how I wasn’t paid for childcare (note, i never took a day off to look after my child as workload wouldn’t have allowed to do so without jeopardising the project. I always worked around him if I ever had to – early mornings and late nights and nap times if he ever was sick)a I feel discriminated being a mother of a 4 year old as well as being a woman full stop.

Now I am under such pressure and being tasked with so many additional presentations and reviews that it’s just untenable.

The 2 hour one way commute is not tenable, either.

I was sitting in the car park just now, thinking what if I just drive into the wall. Then I could finally rest. I thought about using my razor blade as the cleanest way to end things if I had to. I obviously don’t want to do that I have a precious little boy but what the hell is wrong with me for even thinking this?

I was asked if I wanted to quit last Wednesday. That seriously would be the easiest but then they wouldn’t have to pay me for my work and I actually do like what I do and I am really good at it, too! I know that. But here, it’s so toxic, maybe I should just quit. It’s so unfair though that I should have to consider this!

I don’t know how to triage my thoughts anymore. Or how to look after myself. I can’t remember last time I cooked something nourishing or went for a walk. Or played with my boy, for that matter. My stomach is in constant stress and my gut can’t digest.

We wanted to have another child before covid but then it all went really sour as my husband and I couldn’t agree on the issue of the vaccine safety for those who wanted to become pregnant and I was on part time furlough with my old company working night shifts at the local bakery to make ends meet. I couldn’t possibly think of growing a child in my acidic and stressed body just now let alone have intercourse. I’d love to have just time to myself and I don’t know where to find it.

I realise this is all ridiculous really. I have a good job, a warm house, a healthy child. We don’t live in a war zone. I just feel like I’ve reached my limit and can’t find a reason for another step forward. Always keeping going keeping working keeping going never stopping. No time to appreciate the present.

I joined the Collective hoping to change this. I listen to your calls in the car often but I haven’t taken the time to learn your models. I am sorry to ask you and hope somehow you can guide me in the direction of help.

Thank you.

 

Answer:

First, if you (or anyone reading this) are having suicidal thoughts or considering suicide, seeking out professional support from a therapist, psychiatrist, or doctor is ALWAYS the first and most important step. Have you been in touch with a medical professional?

If you are in immediate danger of harming yourself, please call the Samaritans on 116 123 or your country’s emergency number.

You can find crisis services in your country here https://www.iasp.info/crisis-centres-helplines/ and you can text Shout to the Suicide & Crisis Helpline at 85258 (UK), or 988 (USA).

This is not ridiculous. We do not think you’re ridiculous or that there is anything wrong with you and we don’t think that having limits is ridiculous either. You are in survival mode. Triaging your thoughts can seem impossible when you’re feeling bullied and discriminated against because you are trying to protect yourself in a situation that you haven’t chosen to be in. You said it in your post, you are literally thinking in terms of life or death.
You don’t need to triage your thoughts right now. What you need is a lot of love, a lot of support, and a lot of compassion for yourself and how you’re experiencing life at this point in your story. Let’s do what we can to take shame out of the game. You are having a human experience and there’s nothing wrong with that or with you – it’s just a shit time that feels terrible. If you can’t extend compassion to yourself right now, you can certainly have ours. We believe that you deserve to be held, supported and treated equitably. Can you think of one thing that you can do this week that is an act of self-compassion? Snuggling your son? Allowing yourself to cry or feel your feelings without judgment? Ordering takeaway and knowing it’s the best decision for you right now? In the mean time, some great webinars to watch/listen to are the Self-Love and Creating Safety webinars in the Cycle Toolkit tab and also Somatics with Victoria Albina in the Bonuses tab. Each of these will have some helpful tools and exercises that you can employ right away.
Finally, please seek out the support that you need when thoughts of self-harm arise. You are very loved and valued.