Paralysed around writing a first person feature

Hi!
I had a freelance commission a few months ago to write a personal piece about dating. They never set a deadline, and it involved something more experimential so it was ok to take some time on it.
Just before I went on a recent holiday I’d been on the dates and had written a lot of notes on it. But then something else urgent came up that I had to sort before going away and I left it unfinished.
Now I’m feeling some anxiety around starting it again. Doing the piece bought up a lot of stressful stuff around dating, rejection, missing my ex, feeling like I was being treated badly etc. It didn’t feel good! It was my first time writing a piece like this, and I’m still getting used to how much I want to share personally.
I do still want to write it though, because it pays well and I’ve already expensed about £150 of stuff for it which I’d lose, and money is tight right now. Also to maintain a good relationship with that editor for future.
But that alone doesn’t seem enough to get me to start it! Or to feel safe doing so.

Other reasons to write it could be:
It might be cathartic to write about how hellish dating can be and call out the bad behaviour!
This may help other readers who are going through something similar.
It’s a way to explore how much I want to share in first person pieces.
Even if I choose not to do more of this in future, it is important to me to follow through on this commission while I’m starting out and building these relationships with editors. Especially as this one pays so well.

I think I’m also comparing myself to another journalist who wrote a similar piece for this publication, who I deem to be more successful (largely because she’s more established, whereas I’ve only gone freelance recently). I don’t like this as a reason not to do it.

I also used to work for this publication and have a challenging relationship with it! My previous boss there (different to the person who commissioned me) was very critical and this impacted my self-esteem around work. Yet I’ve had two other commissions from other people at the paper as a freelancer which have gone well. So I don’t think this should stop me.

Anyway, I need to do it, but I’m terrified and paralysed! Any tips on getting past these barriers would be much appreciated!
Many thanks

 

Answer:

 

When you have a demand resistance (pushing back when someone asks you to do something), what do you know to be true about yourself? In what ways are you showing up in a familiar way? Can you extend compassion to that part of you? How?

Let’s say that you decide to write this piece (because ultimately it is a choice that you get to make). How can you lower the bar for yourself right now and still be successful? Think about the expectations that you have of yourself or of your work on this piece and get curious about what you can change to make getting it done (or started) more accessible. Come back with what comes up for you and we’ll keep navigating and coaching on this.