Parenting and the nervous system

I’ve been doing lots of thought work on my parenting of and relationship with my 6 year old son, mainly driven by a desire to respond in a more helpful way when he is upset, angry, or agressive.

From a thought download I highlighted thoughts such as I’m making a mess of things / getting it all wrong / letting him down, we’re not as close anymore, I don’t know how to do what I know I should do – and a thought I have in the moment when he shouts / gets upset which is I don’t have time for this. I’ve gained some awareness with unintentional models on all of these and made some progress by answering these questions: What if nothing is wrong? What is working well? How are we close and connected? What do I already know? What is wonderful about us? I used some of the answers to these questions in intentional models and have some helpful thoughts from these.

One of the realisations I’ve had is my nervous system is activated particularly when he shouts loudly, and I’ve been stuck on how to tend to my nervous system and still stay with him to help him regulate and process his emotions – but maybe the answer to this is to co-regulate with him, with quiet voices, a hug, and some breath work, or something to discharge some energy together. These are things I do sometimes do with him – when I’m responding in a way I’m happy with. But I’m not sure how to get to this reliably – to see and take the opportunity when it’s there while in an activated state (sometimes fight / sometimes flight).

Here is one pair of models:

Unintentional
C – Son shouting
T – I don’t have time for this
F – Panic
A – Try and find a quick solution; tell him what to do; get frustrated when he doesn’t respond; don’t help him to regulate or process his emotions; don’t regulate myself
R – It take more time to deal with

C – Son shouting
T – I have time for him
F – Open
A – Give him time; give him space; co-regulate; process and name emotions together
R – I take time with him

I would appreciate any thoughts on where to take this next and particularly on how to go to a model where we co-regulate from an activated state. Maybe I need a specific thought for this?

 

Answer:

You are doing the work! Great job recognizing the thoughts that are present and challenging your brain to see other sides of what is going on.

The thing to remember is that this is a process. As you begin to understand what you want to do in these situations, know that it will take practice to create this as your default.

Think of it as a path in the woods. You have walked the path many times that starts with “I don’t have time for this.” The grass stopped growing, and your brain sees that path very clearly. With your new awareness, you are starting to make another path. The grass is still there. Each time you take it, the path will become clearer. Also, the more you take this path, the grass will begin to grow in that old path, and it will become less clearly marked. It will still be there, just not as noticeable.

When your child shouts, how long does it take you to help him regulate? I think having some idea in mind will help your brain. You can do X minutes of helping to regulate him while feeling open, or you can take Y minutes of trying to hurry him along and feeling panicked.

Lastly, you bring up a very good point about regulating yourself. It may be difficult helping your child if you do not feel safe. You may have to play around with whether to take a moment to help yourself first, regulate with your son, or if there is another option.

Start with your awareness of your thought and feeling. When your brain offers “I don’t have time for this” or you notice the sensation of panic, that is the cue to stop. Notice the sensation in your body and breathe into it. Remind yourself that you are safe, and you have time for this. From there, you can decide the action to take.

Keep practicing this in real time as well as practicing it in your mind. You will begin to see the path better.