Parenting during meltdowns Part 2

Thanks for the coaching!

Looking back at my models, what stands out to me is that I’m seeing the meltdowns as a problem to be solved, and that there’s something wrong with how my daughter is behaving and I need to find ways to solve this and get her to be different. This is quite a change from how I used to view it when she was 2 or 3, and I saw it as a stage in her development and felt more positive about the future (in that I assumed it would improve over time). So lately, the way I’m viewing this is that its a long term issue that needs fixing and I’m not doing my job well enough.

When you said about compassion, I was able to see that I haven’t been giving myself much here. I’ve judged myself for not enjoying my time with my daughter, for comparing spending time with her unfavourably against her older sister (and then feeling awful because I always promised myself I wouldn’t have any kind of favouritism). I’ve felt very sad that currently I’m not enjoying parenting as much as I used to, and I’m feeling less confident in myself as a parent than I used to.

I’m not sure where to go next, is it acceptance of the way she is and just finding ways to manage better, and ways that I can cope with the sensory side of the meltdowns (as I find the noise particularly difficult) – although I’m probably being very black and white about it. perhaps it more about both honouring who she is – as someone who feels their feelings very intensely, loving her, and helping her with ways to be less destructive with it over time.

Further coaching welcomed!

 

 

Answer:

Keep listening to your inner wisdom. You’re doing some great exploring here. Loving her and guiding her to what you feel are appropriate behaviors sounds like some really solid advice for yourself. You can do this. Let’s keep exploring that part of you that thinks this is a long term issue.  Do some journaling about what you think that might look like. How does your brain think this will progress through different ages and stages? What do you make it mean about your ability to have the relationship you want with this child? What does your brain say will happen when she is an adult? Let all the fears and worst case scenarios out.

Now, when you’re ready. Think about yourself at 80 years old. Your children are grown, maybe you have grandchildren, you’ve seen her grow and develop and you know how it all “turns out.”  What wisdom would 80 year old you have for you now? What perspective would you have to share?

See what comes up. Keep practicing giving yourself compassion. We’re here to support you.