PART 2 after coaching; Finding a Goal/Intentional Model around strengthening my relationship.

PART 2 after coaching; Finding a Goal/Intentional Model around strengthening my relationship.

Thank you for providing such helpful coaching providing several questions that gave me so much clarity exploring them. I even teared up feeling relieved that I can make this work and feeling the love I have for my partner. I explored the questions from the coach below, and would like to know if I’m heading in the right direction (towards a clear goal) and how to bring it back to a goal and actually start working on it.

”First step is understanding the Unintentional one that you are in”:
Negative thoughts download: He’s so negative about everything.
He makes things bigger than they are.
My mum was right in beginning sharing concerns him feeling so weak, seeing so many bears on roads.
His anxiety is holding him back, he can get so much more out of life.
He’s probably depressed and no-one is acknowledging it.
He can put such a downer on the day.
This will never change, should I leave him?
I will end up with a grumps who doesn’t want to get out anymore.
Question whether it impacts on me being around negativity all the time.
He gets upset so quickly, takes things so personal.
Unnecessary to grab alcohol to numb whatever is happening at work.
He’s not taking any action to change things.
I don’t want these things to be an example for our kids, I’d rather don’t have kids as thinks seem complicated enough together.
I don’t know how we’re ever able to raise a child ourselves. Don’t even know if I want one.
Why can’t he be stronger like other guys.
Our talks never have any outcomes.
We just live from one holiday to the next.
We’re saving with no goals, seems like such a waist.
Why can’t we be more like adults together?

”Why do you not like it when he is viewing the world in his way?”
I find it unhelpful and unattractive.

”Learn to understand why you think the way that you do, you can then decide what you want.”
By answering a simple question like why I don’t like it, I understand now that I simply find it unattractive. And by focusing on him being unattractive I tend to only see the negative things about him, more things I don’t find attractive that I would otherwise not see. Resulting in not being able to enjoy our relationship together, making small things bigger and bigger and turning into heavy thoughts like should I break up within seconds.
What do I want? Basically, I want to be attracted to my partner again.

”From there, you can decide how to feel love or caring and what you need to believe to feel that way regarding less of your partner’s actions.”
I love my partner as a whole person and we can make choices about our lives together.

”What does that Intentional model look like?”
Thought:
I love my partner as a whole person and we can make choices about our lives together.

Feeling:
Love and trust.

Main result: I have trust in our relationship.

Action/Result: 
Result: I accept my partner as a whole person, inclusive of all the attractive and unattractive parts of him.
Action: I’m aware that I have attractive and unattractive parts that my partner accepts of me and still loves and respects me.

Result: I respect and accept my partners feelings and struggles without wanting trying to solve it. Instead I support him by loving him.
Action: I can ask him regularly how he’s doing without providing suggestions.

Result: I actively put in the work to make our relationship successful and don’t have to make my partner fully responsible for this.
Action: I’m aware that a relationship requires work from both of us.

Result: My partner and I are like a team.
Action: e.g. I share the load to make our week easier for both of us with practical things in the house e.g. keeping the house clean, cooking.

Result: My partner and I like a team
Action: e.g. I talk to my partner about future plans, e.g. buying house or continue renting/moving.

Result: I accept that my partner communicates his wants and needs on a different level.
Action: This provides more check in’s from me (instead of expecting that he just needs to tell me directly what he wants).

Result: We’re creating our own rules and work out what works for us. I trust my own decisions about my future with my partner.
Action: I’m aware that I don’t need to focus other couples successes to validate my own relationship.

Result: I express my love to my partner regularly

Action: e.g. I can explore what I can do for my partner to show him my love for him e.g. cook him a nice meal, give him a massage, take him out for a date. I can make compliments during the day what I like about him or share a memory I enjoyed with him regularly.

Result: I enjoy the things I like about my partner e.g. his humour, caring for me and others.
Action: I’m aware of what I like about my partner and what makes us a great couple together.

Result: I’m having a balanced relationship where we can both do our own things we enjoy.
Action: I can explore what I enjoy doing for myself and share this with my partner, e.g. Flow collective, work outs, meeting with friends/colleagues.

Result: We’re sharing joy in our relationship.
Action: I can explore with my partner how we can experience more joy together. I can make suggestions for a date.

 

Answer:

Great exploration. How does it feel? (That answer will always let you know if you are on the right track for you.)

What do you think of the main result to be “I trust myself to be responsible for my feelings and needs”?

Notice how when your feelings are not controlled by what he does, that you have power over it. This does not mean that you love everything he does. It means that what you don’t like is your choice to think that way. It may sound like “Of course, I’m frustrated when my partner does ____. I don’t like that. He gets to do what he wants, and I get to choose not to like it.” How would you manage those things differently?