Part 2 – relationship and stuckness

Previous AAC reply;
What does moving into the next phase of your relationship mean for you, and why is it a problem that it might not happen until after she earns her degree? Do a thought download. There are no wrong answers – this is just an exploration of your brain. What pops out for you? Why? Come back to us and we’ll continue coaching on this.

My thought download;
Thought error – that evolving in the relationship has to come with those outside markers of living together etc

Our relationship has already changed so much with no external changes

Those outside markers are something that I both want and am scared of
Afraid of losing myself – it feels like it’s easier to keep distinct when there is a physical barrier

There is maybe a falsehood about stimulantaneously being
Protected from rejection by being closer to someone
Further to fall in rejection by being more intertwined

In reality rejection is always a possibility
Not in a threatening way
Just in a you can’t control it way

Maybe there is a part of me that is seeking reassurance
I know going through the degree is a particular source of pain for her
Maybe there is a falsehood that getting the degree done will mean she is not suffering
But why does that matter to me?
Am I suffering by her suffering?
Not directly – my thoughts about her suffering create suffering for me
If I think about my relationship values
Trust / compassion / support / care

If I was the one that was ‘suffering’ (maybe her avoiding it is meaning she isn’t suffering, and who knows what will happen next – either she will do it or a different path)
I wouldn’t want to be micromanaged / rushed through it
I’d want to be offered support, the knee up not someone centering the garden wall that I’m scared of
(It’s like her putting pressure on me making a career change before our relationship can progress)

In reality I’ve chosen this path
There is / has always been an option to move into her house and save money
I don’t want that right now
I’m happy with our set up
I could also put effort into setting myself up to live in a different situation – is it that I don’t want to be in my flat situation anymore?

So maybe this false ‘wanting the next step’ is just searching for security in our relationship
We are still rebuilding after a really tricky year where the things that I was going through really did affect how I was turning up in the relationship
Maybe I just need to breathe and relax into this stretch

And other logistical things that come with her being in phase I have a choice over
Eg monitarily – I can chose whether to want to pay for her (eg music concerts) and valuing her there, or not and go with other people
Same with going on holiday – if it was really that important to me I could communicate that / pay for it

There will be lots of our relationship where she is earning money
And there are lots of benefits to her being a student atm – like spending my holidays with me and lots of quality time

I think I can overcompensate a bit with financial support, as it something I can definitely offer, and especially when the support I was able to give her was called into question this year, financial support was one that wasn’t – but I think buying things for her also gives me a sense of security that I’m useful and supportive – feels like a protection – like I’ve bought something for you so here’s my support, which is horrible that it’s become this shield – I’m still worthy without this act of service

 

 

Answer:

What feelings do you notice when you look through the list you’ve made here. Check in with your body. Check in with your nervous system. Check in with your heart and your inner knowing. Where do you feel aligned? Where is it still feeling sticky?

Give yourself the support you need to process what you’ve discovered. There’s no rush to fix or change anything.

Keep working on owning your decisions in this relationship. It will give you so much power back.