Partner is struggling emotionally

My partner is struggling emotionally, I have been in a similar thought sequence before. He had thoughts about hating work, feeling useless at every step, and it’s affecting his willingness to do anything for himself outside of work. I think he’s on the edge of being depressed and dips in and out. It’s getting better a bit, but I see it going down again.

We’ve talked about how he might get help, he’s found someone locally he would consider being OK to physically visit for coaching/therapy. He thinks online help won’t work for him. He hasn’t made the first step and written the email to ask for help. For many months, maybe 6? He has thoughts about how it won’t work for him, and he won’t show up and won’t do the work he needs to do, and it will be hard. And he’s to intelligent for most people in this sphere.

I’m at a loss for how to support him. His thoughts are his, he has to want to do something. I try not to tell him what to do, I know me writing the email is not helpful, for example but I want to do bad. I’ve started using language I hear from the coaches in TFC, like ‘it’s OK to feel those emotions’, recommending some of Maisie’s podcasts.. etc. He’s willing to listen to them.

I’m starting to see the model errors the more will I’m doing here, and it’s almost more difficult not to try and coach him. I’m so frightened of going back to the place of being scared to come home, not knowing what I’ll find, which version of him or worse.

Is appreciate some guidance for my thoughts and how to support him, or recommendations of people that could help him.

Answer:

Of course you want to coach him, and of course you want to help him, that’s such an understandable and very human response, but let’s look at why: When you feel the urge to do so, what are the thoughts that are driving that? Take your time and really answer that question because it will be so revealing.

You mentioned telling him that it’s ok to feel those emotions, but are you feeling yours? Or are you taking on his mental and emotional wellbeing as your responsibility as a way of avoiding your emotions?

Feel free to bring your responses back and we can explore things further.