Partner with Depression (untreated ADHD) & setting boundaries

My partner has been struggling with depression for the past 4 years.
There have been various reasons but to sum up high level: physical challenges feeling limited in doing sports, losing jobs and being umemployed (x2) bringing money concerns and untreated ADHD and the trauma that comes with it (mental health challenges).
One of the reasons joining TFC is that I wanted to be a better partner for him by understanding and regulating my own emotions better and setting boundaries.

Me writing all of the above down makes me emotional because it’s been a lot to take on for him especially and also for me, being on “the side line”. Something I thought I’d never thought I’d say out loud as I didn’t allow myself because afterall, it’s my partner that has to go through it all, and not me.

Even though I can understand where his emotions and actions are coming from, I am no longer want to accept some of his actions as it’s hurting our relationship and me, and himself too actually. However, I am struggling with setting boundaries vs being compassionate. Example:
Situation: Daily chores need to be done
Thought: Small daily tasks are hard on him being in a depression and also having ADHD and I understand.
Feeling: compassion
Action: I am picking up the majority of the houshold chores.
Thought download: I can do this out of compassion and do this out of love. However, whilst working 40 hours a week, working on my own self development and growth and keeping a social life (something I have been feeling guilty for in the recent past and have not been prioritizing, but – and realizing this is boundary #1 – have been started doing recently again) I am feeling overwhelmed and this cycle continues making things worse. My thoughts are: talking to him about it results in arguments as he doesn’t feel supported by me and not understanding his situation. So I continue with the Compassion feeling as this is (I think) the most convenient and safe for my nervous system – but I also still truly believe I can do it out of compassion. So there is this constant tug of war if you will, between thoughts and feelings (compassionate vs setting boundaries) and I don’t know how to break that.

There is way more to unpack actually and I don’t know exactly where to start as it is overwhelming. And if I am honest, this example is not even something that is most impactful to me. But I thought I’d start “small” in setting boundaries. And with that, me submitting my first Ask A Coach. Thank you for the support!

 

Answer:

Welcome to AAC, congratulations on your first question. You’ve done a wonderful job picking something to get coaching on, often coaching in one area will help you find clarity in another. Thought work is so helpful that way. In your model, your result will be more clear if you fill out your action line. What else do you do or not do when you’re truly feeling compassionate? What is your result?

Telling yourself to be compassionate when you are not feeling like it only breeds resentment. You’ve picked up on this already. Another way to redirect is to choose an emotion that helps you be the partner you want to be.

In this example, you’ve decided you want the daily chores to be done. Take ownership of that if it’s important to you. Expect your partner to continue exactly as he is. What emotion would help you get things done and take care of you? It could be something like determination or commitment. Those emotions help us on the days when compassion seems too far away.

C: Daily tasks-get very specific here. A circumstance should be facts. There may be a few chores you really wish he would do or that are most important to you.

T: What would you need to think to create this emotion?

F: what emotion do you need to feel?

A: What do you need to do to create your result? How would you show up?

R: what result do you want for you in regards to these chores and your relationship?

See what comes up and bring any questions or your models back to ask a coach.