Partner’s health management

Hello dear coaches,

Today I would love some coaching around a topic that has caused tension for a while in my relationship with my partner. I am struggling with how much to get involved without intruding while supporting my own standards for a responsible partner – I think.

I have managed to have a serious conversation with my partner where I got to tell him about the things that I thought he should take care of health-wise and framing it in a way that showcased the collective value for our relationship long term, aka my desire to grow old alongside a healthy partner that looks after his health. We closed a deal that entails him going to the dentist (done), going for a dental cleaning (done) and going to see a dermatologist (not done yet) before the beginning of summer, June 21st. All this to highlight the progress that has been made.

Yet, we definitely have different views or standards on what basic health management entails and the tough conversations that have stemmed from the deal we made. For this model, I will take one example situation that happens repeatedly and triggers my frustration.

My UM:
C. We go into the sun and my partner gets sunburnt because of not taking necessary precautions (does not apply sunscreen at all or does not reapply often enough, or waits too long before applying sunscreen) AND has not gotten checked by a dermatologist in years (if not more than a decade).
T. My partner is behaving irresponsibly and taking unnecessary risks.
F. Angry
A. Snap at partner, make sarcastic remarks at his sunburn, get more distant.
R. I do not create connection with my partner and do not incentivise him to take better care of himself.

The thing is, for my IM, I would really really like the circumstance to change to something along the lines of my partner puts sunscreen on or stays in the shade and avoids getting sunburnt. I am stuck at finding a though that feels supportive to me when the circumstance remains the same as in my UM (partner gets sunburnt).

Something else that’s come up is a list of reasons/thoughts why I would it so much for him to behave differently:
– Taking care of yourself and looking after yourself is sexy. Getting systematically sunburnt as a fair-skinned redhead despite knowing the risk factor leading to skin cancer is not.
– Mothering my partner is not cool.
– A clean mouth & teeth is sexy, the opposite is not.

Deeper down, I’ve realised for me the conflict triggers:
– my fear of growing old and having a family (in the future) with a sick partner, highlighted by our age gap of 14 years. My partner is now above 40 which also comes with increased probabilities of developing an illness.
– different values when it comes to trust (or the lack thereof) in the medical system.

It is vey important to me that my partner takes better care of himself, but I am not sure how to move forward here. Thanks for your precious advice and looking forward to reading your reply.
Have a beautiful day.

Answer:

What I’m seeing here is a manual for how someone should behave to make you feel differently about aging together. Sure, it would be AMAZING if our partners did everything we wanted when we wanted them to, and it’s likely that they won’t do it because they have free will and, clearly, priorities differ between people.

The thing is, we can tell people our expectations until we are blue in the face, and they won’t rise to meet them if they don’t want to. It’s a very human thing to do! You are the only person you have control of. You don’t have to compromise your standards for a partner, or for yourself. When you honor what is and isn’t in your control, you can show up to your situation differently – enter thought work.

Let’s start here: If he did all of the things you want him to do, what do you think would be different in your relationship?