Perception that ‘nothing I have achieved matters’ – because it isn’t a relationship or a baby

Hello,

One challenge coming up for me this holiday season is facing all of the messy feelings associated with my sister coming home to Australia from Germany with her new husband, and one year old baby.

I’m 39, on my own after leaving a difficult relationship several years ago, and have no children – though I’ve been trying this year to have one on my own via IVF, unsuccessfully so far.

Feeling ‘invisible’ in the context of my family, and feeling that my sister leaves no space for me, is a very old, deep schema of mine and I know that this is going to be triggered when we have family Christmas. I do want to have compassion for myself and give myself permission to feel BOTH love for my sister and my little nephew, and my own longing for a child, and the pain associated with that, simultaneously.

But, I’m worried that the strength of my old ‘invisibility’ complexes is going to mean that my pain at my sister having what I want and don’t have (i.e. a partner and a child – a family – means that I can’t show up how I want to, and can’t celebrate for and with my sister.
I”m worried that instead, if I follow my old emotional patterns, I will (a) feel invisible, and (b) shut down because there is no space for my pain and (c) feel that nothing I have done in my life matters, because it isn’t to do with having a family.

It is (c) that I was intending to ask for coaching on, but (a) and (b) are obviously things I need to work on too!

With respect to (c), I’m very well aware of the thought ‘nothing I do, or have done, matters’, or variations such as ‘nothing I’ve done matters – it’s all empty. No one sees me, and I’m still alone’.

I do see that thought, and challenge it – but often the challenge feels empty and I know that in the context of the pressures of family Christmas, I’m going to struggle to be able to challenge that thought successfully.

It is also bound up in a lot of ambivalence about my ‘external’ achievements – for example, I just got promoted and actually burst into tears when my mum congratulated me about it, because to me, that promotion represents a lot of what I am trying to let go of – giving too much of my energy to a job in academia that is not aligned with how I want to show up in the world, and live my life. In some ways yes, that achievement does feel empty because it does not represent a set of choices that I have made from a centered, empowered place – quite the opposite.

So – in the context of all of that, I’m asking for some support to navigate this web of thoughts and emotions that I know are going to be triggered, particularly the ‘nothing I have achieved matters’ story, that my brain is so keen to make up!

 

Answer:

What if you don’t have to get rid of your thought and you just keep it and love yourself anyway? Try a model like this:

C: My sister and nephew plan to visit for Christmas

T: I notice I keep thinking nothing I have acheived matters, and it’s ok.

F: what would you get to feel if you believed this?

A: What would you do? What would you not do?

R: What would your result be?

Continuing to tell yourself there is something deeply wrong with you because you are disappointed you don’t have a partner and children is resisting reality. This is painful. This takes a lot of emotional energy. What would be different if it wasn’t a problem?