I’m trying to work out how to plan my time over the Christmas period with my partner and family. The context of this is that I have been reflecting on my relationship with my Mum, as I often fall into people pleasing and I would like to practice setting some boundaries. Organising any event with my family is often preceded by unnecessary stress, timings, locations (particularly since COVID and my mum has a lot of anxiety about this). My partner finds it difficult spending time with my family, its not relaxing and if we don’t follow my mums expectations she really struggles. For example my mum will want multiple posed photos, which interrupts the flow of conversations/socialising, if we decline the photos, she can’t move on until we have a photo and will plead and ask my Dad to get involved to encourage us. As a result my partner doesn’t always join me when I go to see my family. Which I understand.
Since joining the flow collective I have been wanting to try to set boundaries with my Mum. Something which my partner supports, however I feel he wants me to set absolutes with her, which I’m just not ready for, or want to do as I still want a relationship with my Mum. The current situation is planning the day we will see my family over Christmas. I spoke with my partner about it first so we have a shared agreement of what would work best for us, which is seeing my family on 27th, and his on 28th, as they live near each other so we could stay overnight at his parents house, and reduce the travel for us as they journey from our place to theirs is about a couple of hours in total on public transport and a taxi. When I proposed this to my parents, my mum was disappointed, as she felt that Christmas is over by the 27th, she said they had ordered food. She wasn’t able to tell me exactly what she wanted on that call as she was upset, but from speaking with my brother and sister she wants us to be there on the 25th or 26th. After listening to the handling the holiday call I had a discussion with my partner about my thoughts on how to handle this, and we ended up in an argument. He thought I was ‘defending my mum’ where as I was trying to see things from her point of view. My priority is to see my family over the Christmas period, if this means having to travel on the 26th I think this is ok with me, but for my partner he see’s it as me caving and my mum getting her way as always.
I think what I would like help with is how to know what it is that I want to do when I feel that any outcome of this situation is either I have done what my mum or what my partner wants? Any advice about how to use the model with this situation?
Answer:
The way you use the model is to decide what YOU want and put it in your result line. You can create any experience you want this Christmas. Your partner and your mum are all grown up and they can handle their own stuff. You handle yours. I wouldn’t suggest setting any boundaries until you work on yourself first. Any time you notice your brain wanting to shift to what other people will think or feel or do, redirect it back to what you can control…you. This holiday can be a great opportunity to practice managing your thoughts and emotions and just seeing how it goes.
If you could pick the exact holiday plan of where you will be what is it? put that in your circumstance line then fill in the rest of your model. As you explore this you’ll have conversations you need to have and other circumstances to think about. Find a few thoughts or a really intentional feeling you want to keep with you through all of it.
C: I will be here x dates and here x dates
T: What do you want to think?
F: How do you want to feel?
A:what will you do or not do to create this resul?
Start Here
Call Schedule
Recent Call Replays
Ask A Coach
Pep Talks
BIPOC Members
Bonuses
VIP Monthly Calls
Cycle Toolkit
