Possibility of continuing friendship after having feelings

Hi dearest coach!

Recently I discovered that the feelings I have towards a very close friend of mine aren’t mutual/reciprocated. Besides that I feel hurt and that I need time to process this, I want to check in with myself if I’m able to reconnect with him as friends. I could use your help with figuring out how to approach this best.

So as a start, some facts: we’ve known each other for 4,5 years now. I was in a relationship (of 6,5 years) for most of that time, but I just ended things a few weeks ago, after a year of full-on doubt and 2 breaks in between. I ended my relationship because I realized that I wasn’t compatible with my partner anymore (based on values and our purpose in life).

When this ‘friend’ and I met, he was single. We became colleagues after meeting (I referred him to the management traineeship I was doing) and became friends later. For the last 2 years I consider him as one of my inner circle people.

For context, I’ll share a bit of how I perceived things. Because looking back at our friendship, I don’t know if I ever actually was a ‘true friend’ towards him, or if instead I always have seen him as potentially more than that. I do know for certain that there were periods when I full-on had a crush on him. I pushed this away, as I didn’t want to break up with my partner at that time ánd because I firmly believe liking someone outside of your relationship is possible and doesn’t have to mean anything about how happy or unhappy you are with your partner. However, this ‘friend’ always ended up in all kinds of ‘what if?s-scenarios’ in my head and he certainly impacted how I felt in my relationship.

A few months ago I also realized I always put a lid on things with him, because otherwise I would feel too happy, too flirty, too hyped (almost high), and too … much for a friendship. And I realized how stupid it was that I did that, that I edited and censored the feelings I had when I was with him. So, I let loose and was open to the possibility of me feeling & wanting more. I had a spring goal of becoming myself more, and if ‘pure and authentic me’ liked or even loved him, so be it. As time went by I noticed more and more how much I liked him now that I didn’t constrain myself.

At the same time, it didn’t always made complete sense to me. Yes: we do have great banter, high energy, have the same interests, can laugh about anything and talk about almost everything. But analytical me was wondering if I fueled this focus on him, because I wasn’t happy in my relationship, or because I was missing things in my partner and life, or because I wanted to be seen or wanted, or because I misinterpreted the vibe of our friendship just because he is a guy? These questions still keep getting stuck in my brain.

Anyhow, we’re both single now, things got more flirty and quite recently we had a drunk’ish hookup. Eventually, he backed out, feeling overwhelmed and confused. We talked afterward and texted as well. I realized I needed time & distance. I felt hurt, confused & stupid – I need time to process those feelings. But mostly because I want to check in with myself that if I continue this friendship I can do that from the right place. I don’t want to keep this hyperfocus on him when it’s not reciprocated. I want the relationship that we have to be equal.

I think part of me is still hoping that with time things perhaps will work out, that he’ll come to the realization that it’s interesting & worth exploring what kind of connection we have or could potentially have. (He wasn’t 100% clear in his communication, so that fuels this hope.) But I think that’s not good to keep with me if I stay friends with him, I think that’s not healthy.

I didn’t want to go full self-coaching on this and model hop into an intentional model that won’t ‘hold up’ in the long haul. And as my brain is currently overanalyzing all aspects of this in all possible directions, I’m not quite sure which questions or subjects I can use for a thought download. How can I approach this best and come to a clear answer of whether or not and how I can stay friends?

Thank you so much!

Answer:

Please take a minute to honor the fact that you have made some epic moves. Standing in your truth and becoming even more yourself is a milestone worth celebrating! Now, let’s look at what you can do…

The idea of being in the right place is so interesting, because it could imply that we’re in the wrong place right now, but that’s not necessarily true. If you haven’t already, take some time to examine what ‘the right place’ means to you. Notice what it looks and feels like and what you would have had to go through to get there.

In what ways are you already in exactly the right place on your journey towards a space where you can make your decision with clarity? It may be fun and interesting do compare your ideas of what you need to go through to get to ‘the right place’ with what you’re experiencing now. What do you notice? Come back to us for more coaching when you’re ready in a follow up submission titled, “Friendship after feelings pt. 2”.