Potential change for friend driving me nuts

A friend is maybe going to move into my neighbourhood. They have been irritating me like crazy these past months as they frequently copy my outfits, places I frequent, take over new friends and are generally overbearing and competitive in all and every aspect of life. I am competitive too – but I feel I am quietly – and less in your face – and don’t think (?) I rub their face in anything – but I probably do at times. But right now it feels like an invasion into my life and I chose to live where I live because its not the usual area for people in our wider group to live in – and I love it for that and many many other reasons. I simple do not want them to move close by.

Why does my friend annoy me so? Why is this getting under my skin..?

I am the eldest of a large family – and was a fairly quiet kid – and I would get incredibly upset when my closest in age sister copied me as teens plus she appropriates things in life once she’s done/tried it and therefore feels they have to own various aspects of life to an incredible degree.

I feel it as an assault on my very being – then and now – and find I get so toxic in my thinking as a result. I usually do not engage/discuss what I’m doing (as they generally have done it before/a million times more/better) and it keeps us distant. There are clearly parallels between my sister and this friend.

I am comfortable in myself generally and feel that the copying/taking over of my neighbourhood are infringements on ME! (crazy I know). I feel like they will appropriate my life here and there won’t be anything left (I know this is irrational and totally untrue – and they have their own stuff going on – and I am clearly conflating what has happens/ed with my sister).

C: Friend considering move to the hood
T: My space/life is being encroached upon and I find it really hard to set boundaries with them (anyone!? without it seeming petty)
F: Annoyed, irritated, I need space, I want quiet (in this very busy neighbourhood and city), dread thought of them being around/taking over my ‘space’
A: Go quiet when they speak about the house they like, disengage from them on this and other matters, feel irritated with them and myself for being petty
R: Distance between us/I feel crap about myself

Intentional model… mmm

 

Answer:

There is some wonderful self-awareness in your post. Before we jump into creating an intentional model, let’s look at what you’re experiencing through a lens of compassion…you’re worried that this person is invading your life, and when something is being invaded, it’s generally scary. Your nervous system is fired up because it recognizes this feeling from a previous experience and it’s trying to protect you. Good job body and brain! They’re working perfectly and trying to keep you safe!

I wonder if the reason you are unsure of what an IM might look like is because you have yet to fully accept how you feel, and what you think about this person and their potential move? Consider this metaphor: when you are renting a flat, you can’t make lasting renovations beyond painting the walls or adding some temporary wall-paper. When you OWN the flat however, you can make all the changes you want and need because it’s yours and you want to improve it for your own comfort and safety. The same is true in your brain…when you can own what’s going on with you, you can work on how you’d like to do it differently from a place of truly wanting the best for yourself.

What would acceptance with zero judgment about yourself look like, and how might you approach this situation differently if you were to do that? Come back with what you discover for more coaching!