I have just joined TFC and am already absorbing the permissions to be myself. I’ve hit a life phase I am overwhelmed by. These are the facts (I think) of what is going on and I would like some guidance on how to give myself care and agency.
1. I am married to a man I love. We have been together 20 years and have two children (12 and 15).
2. Through counselling 9 years ago, I realised that I am attracted to women. I was disconnected from it and had repressed it subconsciously.
He and I agreed to have an open relationship my side and it has been wonderful to truly be a full person. His love and support have been incredible, if a difficult transition initially.
3. My year long relationship with my last girlfriend broke down at the end of January because it was too hard for us to navigate the poly aspect. She found it hard I was married and that I loved my husband and I found, in the end, it impossible to share her with other women.
4. What I started to become aware of in this relationship is that I imagined a monogamous future with her. I started to talk about it with her and with him but couldn’t fully acknowledge it or commit to it because I had felt certain my future was with my husband and children. This all carries its own huge loss and I think was too big for any of us to fully embrace.
5. I have been a stay-at-home mum during my children’s primary school years, which was absolutely right for me at the time. It gave me the space to realise I needed counselling and then to navigate the coming out experience. I also returned to piano training and taught a bit and have studied art for two years.
6. However, I am now facing a return to work after an 11 year break with extra pressure that my financial security through marriage might not be there for me – I am not financially secure on my own, so can’t afford to leave him at the moment, even if I was 100% clear that was right for me.
7. I don’t want to return to the commercial sector I was working in previously as I was unhappy and I am looking at admin roles in Universities and Councils, but I wonder if there is another more playful and curious avenue for me. I’m also not sure how much choice I have about this. Is it a case of taking anything I can get at this point? Decisions made out of fear don’t tend to be good ones.
8. I had originally planned to work part time and continue with piano training /teaching and my art practice. This doesn’t feel viable anymore because of wanting to develop financial independence. I look at this plan now and feel like I wasn’t taking full responsibility for myself and my family’s financial future. I have some skills gaps around piano teaching as a serious career choice which would take time to bridge and I am not sure I want it enough.
9. We had a family bereavement in January as well which rocked me. The person wasn’t super close to me but it is a significant loss. She had been very unhappy in her last years of which I hadn’t fully been aware. It’s made me realise I can’t burry my needs because they are inconvenient. It pushed me to challenge the relationship with my girlfriend because despite wanting it to grow into a future together, from myside and at times hers, we were both conflicted and it felt very insecure – and turns out was, because it broke down. I am devastated it did and disappointed that neither of us fought to save it. But we didn’t.
10. I am 45 and perimenopausal. With the breakup, I started experiencing intense anxiety and low mood. My GP recommended HRT which has helped a bit with sleeping, but I still often feel overwhelmed by everything I am facing.
11. I have tried different counsellors this year to support my emotional resilience, but I have found talking therapies make me feel worse about myself and situation. Having found it helpful in the past, this approach feels negative now by focusing on things that weren’t right or reasons for feelings of low confidence when what I really want for myself now are feelings of agency: that I can know and respond to my needs, make changes and take responsibility for myself. Surely I have the power to create a stable and joyful life right now and into the future? Perhaps this is too much pressure with the losses I am facing.
12. I’m carrying a lot of guilt for trying a polyamorous lifestyle at all.
13. Meanwhile I have put house renovations on hold because I simply can’t deal with everything.
14. Through all this my husband and I have been able to talk. He understands where I am, and we are able to consider the possibility that we may not be together in the future. It’s pretty devastating a reality because he is my best friend, lover and life partner. My stability feels like it is with him. But as more time passes, I feel that I owe it to myself to push for independence and the chance to live an openly gay life. I’m devastated to have lost the promise of this with her.
I my first interview tomorrow, so I am making progress.
I feel that my priority is self-compassion whilst I deal with loss and a curious return to work mindset without trying to solve anything else. And my children have all the usual teenage needs which I feel less able to engage with because I am dealing with so much vulnerability myself.
I’m caught up in thinking loops – I’ve spent an hour or so writing this but I think it has helped get clarity.
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