Processing loss before it happens

Hi,
My granny had a stroke this week and is in hospital. We are very close, and I haven’t experienced a big loss yet in my life that wasn’t heartbreak. She seems to be doing ok right now, we’re not sure, but she is in her 90s, so I know that if it doesn’t happen now it will be coming in the near future.
I feel very upset and yet also this sense that this isn’t valid – that it’s not a ‘big deal’ when you lose a grandparent, because they have lived a good, long life, and it is not a ‘tragedy’ in that sense. Even though I know it is valid to feel this way.
The thing is, it hasn’t even happened yet – but there have been several times where I’ve got upset about the prospect of it happening. This time obviously, but also back at christmas. And some times before that.
I’m not at all prepared to handle this. I wonder if I’m starting to grieve this before it happens?
But I would also like to enjoy the time left that I have with her? And not give myself unnecessary pain in the process.
We’ve been filming her memoir recently, and I have only got as far as her 30s! And this panic that I’d left it too late hit me, too. You always think you have more time to get around to these things.
I’m a freelancer and going through a rough patch with that right now, so I think this adds another layer to it all and that sense of instability.
I’m going home to visit soon, but any tips on handling this process in a way that is compassionate would be much appreciated.
Many thanks

 

 

Answer:

Anticipatory grief is a real thing. Give yourself loads of compassion as you navigate this. What are the gifts of knowing time may be short? What is hard about it?

Why do you think your brain wants to downplay your grief? What is it trying to do? Where did you pick up the beliefs that losing a grandparent isn’t a tragedy or you shouldn’t feel sad when they die (or will die soon)? Are there any beliefs you want to let go of?

A thought that can be really helpful when you feel like you’re not prepared to handle this is. “Right now, she is alive. If anything changes, I’ll deal with it then.”  Look at how you are here, navigating a stroke you probably didn’t anticipate. But you’re doing it. Whatever comes next, you’ll be able to figure out. What’s feeling the most scary?