processing period of sickness of my nephew

In January of this year my nephew was born with a heart defect that was discovered a few days after his birth and he had a very successful open heart surgery when he was four months old.

In the months prior to his surgery I was mostly quite calm and not very scared. I assume this is a coping mechanism, because when I think about a baby having a surgery like this, it just sounds impossible and overall insane.

It really hits me now, and especially with his first birthday coming up, I think about it often and get quite emotional and scared. While this is understandable and normal, I feel a little stuck in this feeling and I would like to feel more of a relief and “freedom”(?) about this all.

I think one part of it is that I find it so so unfair, that such a tiny human had to go through all this.
The distress of the heart not working properly in the first few months, the pain and being alone in hospital because my sister wasn’t allowed to stay with him while he was in the NICU.

Another thing is that my brain doesn’t seem to realize that he is fine now. After the surgery there was no real recovery/transition. After surgery he was in the hospital for six days and then he was home and all was fine. It’s been 8 months now, but my brain doesn’t seem to catch up.

Thanks for your coaching.

 

 

Answer:

In order to find that relief, you may need to invite in all the emotions you’ve saved up until now. Milestones can bring up a lot. Let it come. Imagine it like a wave. Right now the wave is higher and you’re afraid it might drown you. It won’t. How does it make perfect sense that this one year mark would activate your nervous system? What does your body remember from this time last year?

As the aunt, I wonder if you have told yourself that you’re not allowed to feel x,y,z emotions.  Have you told yourself that you need to act x,y,z ways in order to support your family?  Have you told yourself you’re not allowed a certain level of emotion as an aunt and sister rather than a parent?

Here’s your permission slip to feel anything you want to any level you want. I encourage having a good cry if you’d like. What would help you do this? Some of my favorites are a good sad song playlist or a favorite tear-jerker movie.

Let this wave wash over you. I won’t stay forever. It won’t always be so big. Lay back, float in it. Struggle if you need to. You’re doing a great job being a human with a little nephew with a special heart.