processing period of sickness of my nephew pt. II

How does it make perfect sense that this one year mark would activate your nervous system?
I think it makes perfect sense that intense feelings come up with Christmas and his birthday, because it reminds me that these First’s could have NOT happened with my nephew being alive.

You are right, I did think I had to be there for my sister and also because I am “only” the aunt and not the mom I told myself that it wasn’t “possible”/acceptable for me to reach a high level of being upset. I told myself some stories in order to not feel and to stay numb and detached.

Acknowledging this is helpful. At the same time I notice that there is still a barrier that keeps me from feeling my feelings fully.

When I was about 10-12 years old, my sister (who is 4 years older than me) wasn’t doing well and it made me feel like I was responsible for her.
I notice that I still feel guilty for not being able to help her at the time and that I couldn’t prevent bad things from happening to her.
It also taught me that I wasn’t allowed to fall apart. I had to keep it together because I thought things would have been too difficult for everyone, if I ALSO wasn’t ok.

It hurts me so much to think of myself as this tiny child, who feels like the weight of the world is on her shoulders and she was all alone and didn’t know what to do with herself. (BIG CRY!)

I still feel like this sometimes, where I am monitoring other people’s feelings, especially my sister’s. When I sense that something is not ok, I become really stressed and worry that something bad is going to happen and that I need to fix it.

I am really proud of myself for figuring this out!!
Great topic to bring to therapy too, as this is quite intense.
Anything from a coaching standpoint that you would like to add?

 

Answer:

 

Yes, it sounds like you’ve struck gold when it comes to understanding and loving yourself now, and you as a tiny child, and can engage all the modalities of self-help that work for you. I wonder how exploring this gently, hugging yourself internally, and deciding how you want to experience the lead up to, and the day-of his birthday sounds to you? How can you cultivate a sense of love for yourself just for opening this box inside you and looking at what’s there?