Rage Rage Rage against my partner, my colleagues, my family and myself

In the last few years I have noticed that I feel rage and anger in ways I have never felt before, or rather I notice the rage and act upon it in ways I have never done before. I first noticed this less than a year before the pandemic (yes, life for me has become Before Covid (BC) and After Covid (AC) and merely a few weekends before the first lockdown I met my partner and inside this relationship I have experienced forms of rage that have frightened me.

I have broken things, I have scratched, I have punched, I have kicked and sworn my way through every obscenity I know and in the moment feel absolutely justified in doing so. I hate being angry. I take hours, sometimes days to get over my rage …my partner on the other hand will make a joke out of it or seem to forget entirely.

I don’t like myself when I am like this and feel I am self-sabotaging. An entire day, weekend or fun day out seems to be entirely ruined because of ‘one of my meltdowns’. I have taken time to try and identify what triggers this and one recurring theme is having no control over what will happen that day, being told at the last minute that I am expected to travel somewhere/ attend something or having plans change frequently which doesn’t give me the time I need for basic self-care eg ensuring I eat breakfast / lunch, drink water. dress appropriately. I view the person who is giving me last minute expectations as inconsiderate and someone who doesn’t value my time and sees me as someone that is simply waiting to do as they are told. I’m in my 30s but I feel I have about as much control over my moods as a 13 years old sometimes…and it’s not pretty to see a late 30 something trash the living room in a melt down 🙁

 

Answer:

Thank you for asking this question and being so open about what’s been happening. Wrap yourself in a blanket of compassion. You are worthy and whole, just as you are. Rage, tantrums and all of it. It seems useful to tell yourself that something is wrong with you, but it’s rarely useful to hate ourselves into changing. It’s very interesting that your partner doesn’t think it is a big deal. Perhaps you could explore and borrow some of their thoughts.

Anger is almost always a secondary emotion. That means there is something underneath. But it’s hard to see when you are reacting in a rage. What you’ll want to do is just start increasing the space between noticing the feeling and physically reacting. Right now that may feel impossible. That’s ok. Just start playing with the idea that you could count to ten or take 5 breaths or do a nervous system calming activity whenever you feel you’re about to react. The Somatics workshop in the bonus section has some simple ones you can do anywhere. Practice this with other emotions as well, even emotions you love. Step one is not getting rid of the rage, it’s increasing the space. See what comes up, try it and bring your questions back for more coaching.