Reaction to friends news

I recently got live coaching on repairing a friendship where I have had a strong negative reaction to their partner and have expressed this frequently to others but never directly to her.

The coaching was helpful and I rehearsed what I would like to say to her taking accountability of my actions towards her partner.

After the call she got in touch and I thought wow the Universe has intervened here. My partner met up with her and she told him she’s pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. I was hoping she would come to her senses and realise the poor qualities in her partner and now its too late. Its also frustrating because it reinforces a pattern where we don’t hear from her or see her until she wants to tell us something.

I haven’t seen or spoken to her yet and I’m avoiding doing so because I don’t want to react negatively towards the news.

I think there are two models at play here.

C: friend pregnant
T: I can’t believe she’s done this
F: numb
S: body is empty, throat slightly tense
A: talk in a negative and dismissive way, message a friend instantly to let her know
R: feel even more disconnected from her, don’t want to reach out and hear the news from her

C: friend pregnant
T: why wouldn’t she have told me before?
F: angry
S: Tight chested, buzzing in ears
A: want to not bother repairing friendship, ruminate on it
R: feel disconnected from her, takes up time and energy

I would love some coaching because I don’t know why I’m so upset and angry about this news.

 

 

Answer:

Right now your friend being pregnant with this person is not feeling factual. Yes, it is a fact and can be a circumstance, but as you’re doing models I think there might be a lot of thoughts, feelings and opinions coming into play.  That’s just fine.  Just be aware of it. It might make getting clear models tricky for now.

Whenever you have a thought that is a question, answer it. Why didn’t she tell you?  What does your unsupervised brain think?  What would you most compassionate wise self think is the reason?

What if you didn’t have to know why you were so upset about this? You could just let it be. Notice where you are judging yourself. Notice where you are judging your friend.

If you trusted that when you were ready, you would be able to speak to her, what would you do?