Red flags in dating

Hi coaches,

I recently dated someone who mentioned to me that in a previous relationship he was very jealous and forbid his partner from having friendships. He was quite nervous when he told me, and asked me whether this was something that freaked me out. I said no which was true at the time, because even though this behaviour is obviously a huge red flag, he actively told me about it and he seemed to have understood and learned from this.

In this whole interaction I noticed a few things that might actually be red flags in myself.

It took me some time to talk to people about this, even friends that I usually tell everything. This gives me the impression that if something like this ever did happen to me in a relationship I wouldn’t ask for help and that I am not able to look after myself/protect myself.

When my date and I talked about this, I noticed later on that I took responsibility for him. He seemed to feel really bad about the whole thing and I noticed that I tried to make him feel better, rather than being neutral about it and looking after myself and asking more questions/trying to find out if he had changed.

At the end of the day the things he told me, really did bother me a lot. I’m not sure if this Is really about him and doubts that he had actually changed or if it is self judgement about the things that I have done wrong in previous relationships and believing I now don’t deserve love or that I haven’t changed enough to be able to create a healthy relationship.

Thanks for your help!

 

Answer:

 

Let’s say you were on a walk and you passed a sign that you felt some trepidation about, maybe a “Path Ends Ahead,” or a “No Pedestrians Beyond This Point,” sign. What would you think about those signs? If you were to listen to your own cues like you might signs on a path, what would be different in how you’re approaching this?