Reframing heartbreak- pt 5

I’ve been answering the questions So what? Why is this a problem for you? to the points I made.

The only insight that’s new so far is that I am afraid of (unintentionally) causing harm to others. That I’m on alert for it all the time – everything is probably my fault and I should have known better.
This is sad.

C: I lose her love and respect for good

T: It ending badly proves I am wrong. I cause harm to others.

F: Sad but there is peace

S: Surprisingly neutral upper body when I have been feeling a tight grip around the heart 24/7 for weeks. Slight stomach cramp comes up as I think towards A line.

A: sits with this for a little while feeling tired out, wondering if this is the belief I have been resisting.

Stop resisting the belief?

Not sure. At the moment I don’t believe the thought that I cause harm as a personal trait, but I can feel my thoughts starting to find examples to make it true. It might or it might not be true.

R: I stop rejecting myself

(I can feel the sadness of the loss of her and the loneliness of her simply not caring about me anymore).

All this feeling wrongness is so familiar to my closeted self. I subconsciously rejected my socially unacceptable but beautiful feelings with feelings of being no good. Those were the ones I resisted and denied for so long.

Am I back here? Is that what this torment has been about?

 

Answer:

 

I wonder if there is more going on in this model and I’d encourage you to peel back a layer to see what becomes clearer. I think your R line in this model is that you give yourself evidence that you are a person who hurts other people and you reinforce the belief. I don’t know where the self-rejection comes in, but it’s an interesting path to walk down…and I wonder if it belongs in another model.

The story that you are telling yourself, that you are someone who causes harm to others, and that it’s probably your fault and you should have known better likely cause you a significant amount of harm – potentially more than you have ever inflicted onto someone else depending on how long you’ve held onto these narratives about the kind of person you are. I can understand why you feel sad – these thoughts are painful ones to have on repeat. But let’s check in on them. Are they 100% true? Why or why not? What else is just as true as the ones that tend to take up all of the oxygen in the room?