Relationship

Hi,

I need some coaching on my relationship. During a couple years in therapy I got to the point where I finally started raising my issues and concerns, instead of avoiding confrontation. But now I struggle in those conversations as don’t usually go as I’d like and I end up blurring out something like “you never understand me”. It takes so much of my mental and emotional power to raise those topics, that when I don’t get what I ask for or get an answer that is not what I expected (after playing scenarios in my head) I get very disappointed and think “what’s the point of even having this conversation” or “what kind of partner is he??”.

I’m learning how to start those conversations (I’m proud of that bit) but have no idea how to handle the outcomes (not so proud of that one). Help!

 

 

Answer:

When a baby stops crawling and starts walking, it is going to fall down a lot. And it takes a lot of energy and bravery. That doesn’t mean it should quit trying and go back to crawling. We don’t judge a baby for all the times it falls, we love and encourage and cheer for it, right?  We can do that for ourselves as well.

This is all just part of the process. You are figuring out how to express yourself and your brain still likes to blame your partner for how you are feeling. It also likes to catastrophize and use words like “never” and “always.” which our higher brain knows isn’t true but our lower brain loves to throw around like a toddler.

Moving into emotional adulthood means you have tons of compassion for you, for your partner and you answer your own question: What is the point of these convesations? Our lower brain wants the answer to be to change his behaviour so you can feel better. That’s why it’s disappointing when it doesn’t work. Do some journaling around what you really want. (hint: we are always looking for a feeling) Bring back what comes up.