Relationship and spending more time together

Hey coaches, I need some advice on this situation that happened today. Here is the background story: my boyfriend and I have been together for 5.5 years and living together for the past 3.5 years. We are both expats living and working abroad and in the past years our social circle got smaller and smaller (people moving out or back to their home country, the pandemic) so we end up spending a lot of time together. Most of the time is good but I want to be more social, go see new places, and plan dates and weekend getaways. Partly because I enjoy his company and partly because I am quite lonely without many friends. He on the other hand likes to stay in, watch a movie, play video games and plan sometimes social moments with friends.

It takes me energy to look for new things to do or plan an outdoor date and his reactions to these dates’ ideas are less than I expect. Because he reacts with less enthusiasm and he doesn’t show much interest in these plans, I get quite frustrated and upset and deduce that he just doesn’t want to spend time with me. We are also in a time in our relationships where we grew a bit apart, because being always with each other during the pandemic. I get scared that if we continue like this, our relationship will not have a bright future. I tried to do a model but I feel so many emotions and my thoughts keep coming that I end up with too many models and cannot work on them.

I picked one model for our earlier fight about this weekend’s outdoor date.

C: weekend outdoor date planned by me.
T: He doesn’t want to spend time with me.
F: Sad
A: I close myself up. I feel very lonely. I tell him what I think- that he doesn’t want to spend time with me. I get annoyed that he cannot express his feelings/thoughts. I conclude I don’t want to go on this date anymore. I have an argument with him. We ignore each other. I cry and am upset.
R: We have a fight and I came up with all sorts of scenarios that this relationship is not ok.

P.S I am in the middle of my Autumn and I’ve been tracking my moods throughout my cycle and Autumn is where I get irritated the most, doubt myself and my relationships with others. Although I try to avoid this fight and blame my thoughts on ‘autumn’ I still went ahead with talking to him and ended up in this ridiculous fight.

Thank you so much!

 

Answer:

Great work on your model and awareness around this. It’s helpful to look at our side of the issue and take ownership, because we can change so much just by looking at our thoughts.

You circumstance could be more specific. What actually happened factually that triggered your thought that he doesn’t want to spend time with you? Be a scientist not a partner as you write it down. Did he say words, did his body or face do something?

“he reacts with less enthusiasm and he doesn’t show much interest in these plans” is the way your brain is interpreting it, but what is the objective truth?

The result of your model above is really that you create what you fear. You now aren’t spending time with each other.  Every time it happens your brain gathers more and more evidence that the relationship is not ok.  Give yourself a lot of compassion,especially in Autumn, as you notice how this has nothing to do with him and everything to do with the story you are telling.

See what comes up as you do this work and bring it back for more coaching.