Relationship, Boundaries and

I have a relationship issue where I am unclear how much is “my” part to work on with Thoughtwork etc. and at what point I need to draw boundaries. It’s just such a long story and a big issue and I don’t really know where to start the coaching on this whole thing … So I think I will just tell the story for once.

I have been in a relationship for 12 years with a very sensitive, intelligent and great man. We have 2 children and are set up to be as egalitarian as possible. The relationship started when I was in another relationship – he was originally my affair, which is perhaps an important detail.

Since the children are no longer quite so young (now 5 and 7), I have been heavily involved with my identity as a mother and a woman. I have changed and emancipated myself through motherhood. I don’t wear the same clothes I used to, I don’t want to drink alcohol anymore (or less), I don’t know if I still like the same things sex-wise as I used to. I’ve changed and become more feminist.

Almost 3 years ago I got a tattoo (it’s my third, my husband has two also). I told him I was going to do that, he wasn’t exited (it’s nothing extravagant, only an anatomic heart on the upper arm), but when I had it done, all hell broke loose. We had arguments about it on and off for months. Of course, in the beginning I was extremely defensive about my freedom and felt very curtailed in it (“my body!”).

Over time, what bothered my husband so much came through to me: that I had knowingly done something he didn’t like. He was “afraid of what would be next” and felt I had knowingly bypassed his feelings. He would never do such a thing … etc.

I think it has a lot to do with how his feelings were passed over in his childhood. He expects me to be more considerate because I know about all these issues. When I tell him I can’t take responsibility for his feelings and he has to do it himself, he finds me inconsiderate. He would always help me with something like that, he says.

Since then we have been in couples therapy, which helped a little, but we stopped (a weird, self-absorbed therapist who used to give us long lectures …). In the meantime, numerous other issues have come up, e.g. he was once annoyed when I changed my swimming costume in the public swimming pool and some people could see my breasts. He was annoyed when I went to a mixed sauna with a friend. He gets annoyed when I smoke pot with a friend once in a while (even though he drinks alcohol himself), which I now do in secret.

He claims none of this is about possessiveness, but of course it is for me. I am a very freedom-loving person and have great difficulty with such restrictions. Especially as they are not explicit but came so insidiously, on the grounds that it hurts his feelings, that he would never do such a thing when he knows I don’t like it…. (Funnily enough, he then went on to get a tattoo, with my consent of course, to symbolically end this issue. Isn’t that ironic?)

My guess is that it’s a self-esteem/self-worth issue. He’s afraid I might slip away from him. Partly this fear is justified, I think, because I have really changed and developed new interests that he doesn’t have access to, e.g. just my feminist activism, or even new hobbies like ice bathing, which he doesn’t understand at all. But I’m not a crazy person and I’m still the same, I still have all my old girlfriends … And I was and am very faithful in this relationship.

Unlike him, who once went to bed with another woman on a business trip abroad (which I found out by chance and he lied until I could prove it to him). Another time I discovered by chance that he had a very long flirtation with an ex-colleague. Nothing really happened, but he sent her romantic songs, asked her to come to a gig (which were both “our” things in the past). I immediately realised it had more to do with him than me. He was looking for something of the old romance. Went after a longing. A kind of mid-life crisis, I guess … I demanded that he cut off contact and would go to therapy. He did, but unfortunately not much has changed. He seems to be doing a bit better, but our relationship hasn’t improved fundamentally.

Lastly, I have to mention a bit about his background. His father was very moody and the atmosphere at home depended a lot on his mood. The father became an alcoholic, and the separation from the mother in the children’s teenage years was difficult, the mother, who was always very self-sacrificing, put far too much on her sons.

Long story. I might have just had to write it down too. We are now going back to therapy with a new therapist and I have high hopes for it because I really want to stay with my husband.

I still think it is more “his” problem. I have a (silent) resentment because of the injustice I think he has done and is still doing to me. At the same time, I feel I have a part in it because I am really interested in other things and less and less in him, family life alone is not enough for me and I feel guilty about it. I’ve also had little interest in sex for a while now, and that of course increases my feelings of guilt.

I have a thousand questions, but one specific question:
– How can I overcome my resentment and take responsibility for my part in the relationship and do what I can to improve it? Or in other words, where do I start? (As I know I can’t change him or get him to do the work on himself as I am doing, I guess I am the only person I am able to change …)

Thank you very much, dear coach, for reading this epic story … I am so grateful for your work.

Answer:

This is such a great question, and thank you for asking it. Sometimes, I think it’s interesting to look at our questions and turn them into statements because they can reveal some interesting thoughts. So, if I were to take a stab at this perspective change, your question would look this way:

I want to overcome my resentment.
I need to take responsibility for my part in the relationship.
I want to improve my relationship.
I don’t know where to start to make the changes I want to make.

When you write it out as thoughts, you can do some models. You can even start with your desired outcomes and do some intentional models to start thinking about what you would be doing, feeling, and thinking to create your desired result. Then, break it down into smaller steps and choose what you’d like to work on first to help you get to where you want to be. What comes up when you do this? When you’re ready for more coaching, bring it on back to us.