Relationship – Boundaries/Responsibility

My question has to do with an issue between my husband and I, and I need to go far afield for some context:

My husband used to smoke cannabis a lot back when our relationship started 4-5 years ago (he is from California and was living there at the time). I don’t enjoy smoking it (I never get the effects that other people like about it). From relatively early on in our relationship, I started disliking when he smoked, leading to several conflicts.
When reflecting on what bothers me so much about it, I think there are several reasons for it, that seem to stem from quite different directions:
1) I think he had a serious issue, close to being dependent/addicted to it because he seemed to really need it in order to approach certain tasks or get into a flow state or regulate his mood or anxiety, and he tended to get depressed without it – and I was worried about him because I didn’t want him to have a drug problem.
2) I absolutely dislike the way his eyes change after he smokes (red, swollen), which makes me less attracted to him (I literally sometimes can’t look at him in that state).
3) I feel like he can be a totally different person when he smokes. Very excited, in a good mood, laughing more about jokes I make, and more talkative. So overall, almost a person that I might like more than his ‘normal’ self – and that’s where the problem lies! It feels like it’s not really HIM in that state – or, I don’t want to like him more because that means that, in a way, I acknowledge that the weed is a good thing. (side note: wow, just writing this was so insightful, I hadn’t realised this before!)

We got married appr. two and a half years ago and before that, I made it quite clear that the status quo of his smoking wasn’t acceptable for me in the long term. I would have preferred for him to stop completely (seeing it a bit as for an alcoholic – you got to quit if you’ve had an addiction) but I could also see how my forbidding it to him wasn’t really helpful. We then moved to the UK which sort of solved the problem because it’s less available here – and he was motivated to work on this issue.
So we’ve been living in the UK for about two years now and he pretty much quit smoking cannabis ever since (except for a few occasions during holidays abroad).

However, about a month ago, when I was visiting my family for a few weeks back home (outside of the UK), he got some weed from a friend here. We had been talking about the topic a few months ago and he had mentioned that he would like to find a ‘new relationship’ to smoking weed because it helps him to sort his thoughts from time to time (he has ADHD, don’t know if that’s relevant in this context), like on the weekend once per month or so, so I wasn’t too surprised when he shared that he had bought some. However, I noticed a strong reaction inside of me when I was back and he smoked before going on a bike ride (because ‘it’s so much more enjoyable when you’re high’). I tend to get really distant and can’t accept any love and affection from him for as long as he’s high, and I can get quite snappy and find all the things around the house that he ‘has done wrong’ (that have nothing to do with him smoking cannabis).
We’ve kind of been silent about the topic (part of me didn’t even want to know when he’s been smoking). However, my latest state was that he would only smoke after work or on the weekend.
Last weekend, I wasn’t here and one of his friends (from California – a big-time weed smoker) was visiting, so there was probably quite a bit of ‘high time’ going on (this was indirectly confirmed by my husband today). Today, in the middle of the working day, I came into the kitchen and smelled something (I am extremely sensitive to smells) and asked him what it was, and his response was that he had just taken ‘a little puff’. This really threw me off, because his smoking during working hours seems to be a totally different level to me – and to me, this looks like it’s really getting out of control for him.
He immediately acknowledged that it has gotten a bit out of hand with his friend visiting and that he wants to look at this development with me (but at that moment, there was no time for it).
I just felt so much resentment for him, and was quite angry. But also sad and disappointed. (I also engaged in over-/emotional eating a lot throughout the rest of the day, but that’s probably a whole new topic to get coached on.)
Part of me thinks that, because he knows how I feel about his smoking, he shouldn’t do it because he knows he hurts me with it.
Another part thinks that I just don’t want to deal with this. I don’t want to be with someone who needs to smoke cannabis to deal with life.
And another part thinks that it’s his decision whether he wants to smoke or not and it is my problem that I respond to it this way.

I feel really stuck because I don’t know if this is about him or about me. I feel like it has to do with the topic of responsibility – so my question to you is probably: What does being 100% responsible look like for me in this context? Or is it about setting boundaries – and if so, how would I do that without risking our relationship? (I’m not even sure I know how to set boundaries.)

Thank you!

 

 

Answer:

Maya Angelou said “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” The reason you are hurt is because you married someone who told you exactly who they were and you keep telling yourself it will change. He doesn’t want to stop smoking weed.

Taking responsibility for your emotions doesn’t mean you have to put up with behaviour you don’t like. You don’t need to be a doormat and push down your feelings. This may be a case where you do want a boundary. This is not an ultimatum where you continue to tell him how to behave. It’s deciding what you really want and what you’ll do if a line is crossed. You may have to risk the relationship if you feel this strongly about it. Allowing the possibility of not staying in the marriage can help you as you process this through. Episode 6 of Maisie’s podcast will be really helpful for you.