Relationship Coaching

Sorry for the long entry. I feel in a confusing space in my relationship right now.
I worry that me and my boyfriend of nearly 2.5 years are not meant for each other. There’s many factors to this:
The biggie: he sees children in his future and I don’t.
Children have never really been in my “life plan.” My plan was always to have a nice 9-5 job, my own property and hopefully live by the sea. I am incredibly grateful to have 2 out of 3 of those things.
Last year, when deciding to come off the pill to see if my mental health improved, I explained to my partner I massively fear sex because I don’t want to get pregnant (we don’t have sex at all, in fact we’re rarely intimate). The talk of children was pushed to one side. It reopened later on after a conversation about how I’d felt like we’d become friends who just hang out rather than a couple.
It’s was tough deciding what to do. I’m nearly 32 and he’s nearly 34 so it’s a topic we maybe shouldn’t take lightly. I have a lot of friends who have young children or are expecting and he has friends who have young children and when I look at those people I just think “nope, I don’t want that”.
I am a strong no on the matter right now and I think as I work on myself more I won’t change my mind. I don’t want to have to put loads of work into myself for it all to change with the pressures of having and raising a child. I still feel lost in my own life and where I’m going and what I should be doing. On the other hand, I also like my life as it is: I get to do what I want, when I want and spend my money how I like it and I don’t want those elements to change.
We decided to just give it our all and try to make it a fun relationship again and let the future be what it is when it arrives. There’s no guarantee he would meet someone else and be able to have children with them, but I also warned him I might never change my mind. And if I do there’s no guarantee we can have children. And he says he wants a future and children with me.

But it’s always there! When people announce they’re having a baby or talking about their children, I can see it in his face and body language.
At the weekend, the conversation about where we are and where we’re going came back up, as did children. I said we had just gone back to our old ways of not really doing anything fun or making memories. He is afraid of going abroad, of travelling in general. He’s had struggles driving since just after I’ve known him. Which he has had therapy for but I feel like he isn’t trying to get to a place where we can do travel together. Sometimes I get frustrated because he does some driving as and when with no real plan or end goal. And as I strive to grow myself with my coaching, I’m worried I’m going to leave him behind because I do want more from my life.
And although I’m afraid of travelling to some degree I’ve been abroad and have enjoyed it. I want to experience it more and fear running out of time to see things (I’m aware I’m not and this feeling stems from social media/comparison). Maybe I would do it more if I was with someone who wanted to travel? I could do it alone, something I accept because I don’t think he’ll ever get on a plane or even go via train (which I’ve suggested and shown him routes for), but I want to do it with him.
Since being together we’ve only done trips close to home or days out. I sometimes don’t feel we have taken big steps in our relationship or created significant life memories together. I’ve said that in order for me to even see a version of him I can have kids with, which in turn might create a version of me that wants children, I’m going to need more from our life together. I want to be making memories.
Another factor is my mortgage is due for renewal which has brought up the conversation of us living together. It’s something he feels afraid about and as much as I love living alone I can also get excited by the idea of living with him. I’ve given up on the idea of living by the sea (and maybe living by the sea with him) because I can’t financially do it alone. Not that I’m using him financially, I’m just trying to be open minded to the fact I might not have the money to try this dream. The place I live, which is where I met him, he has lived his whole life. His parents are here; most of his friends are here; his life is here. And whilst I have created a life here for myself I don’t see it as my forever.
Our next step would be to move in together but I don’t want to move in together to then split up because I haven’t changed my mind about children. I might not see children with him, but sometimes I do see myself marrying him and I never thought I’d be a wife or want to be. In some ways that’s where I see it stopping for me.

I know you can’t predict the future. I might change my mind, I might not. I know he won’t and right now I don’t think I will. The conversation came up at the weekend again and I said pretty much the aforementioned. I just can’t help but think we’re stopping each other from living the lives we want. I worry more for him than me. And I know I am not responsible for his choices or actions, but I can’t stop thinking how he could have had children by now.
I find it hard to understand how to feel because I don’t feel a deep love for him all the time. Maybe that’s normal in a mature relationship, but I do have moments where I love him, although that’s hard to say to him because I’m not used to saying I love you to people. I’m very grateful for him and it would really hurt to lose him.
I’ve said if we end up having this deep, emotional conversation again I think we both know we should end it. Although I do worry we both know how it’s going to end and I’m really not sure what to do in this situation. It feels heavy and scary but also something I can’t ignore because having a mortgage together and children/no children are such big things. I just wish I could know what happens in the future but I can’t.

 

 

Answer:

The future doesn’t happen to you. You create it.  It sounds like you really do just want someone else to make this decision for you. Why do you think that is? How would you get to feel if someone else told you what to do?  That’s the emotion you can use to make your decision.

You get to decide if you’re meant for each other. Similar to above, the energy around your question is hoping someone else will decide for you, even the Universe or whatever brings two people together that are “meant for each other.”

I would encourage you to look back at what you’ve written. What are you saying to yourself? What DO you know? Listen. DO you want this mortgage renewal to be a deadline to decide? It sounds like you’ve thought this through many times. What and when are you waiting for? Do some compassionate exploration and see what you find. There’s no wrong decision here. What would love do?