Relationship Coaching Part 3

Bring my messy notes here because I don’t know what else to do with them. This feels very vulnerable…

I think there’s been this narrative that if I have a child in stuck, and that scares me. There’s this fear that accomplishing anything I want for me won’t ever be possible again.
What if I’ve been unsure about wanting a child because of fear, not because I didn’t want them. What if my compulsion to compare my life against others has confused what I really want? What if comparison is driving my decision and actually I do want a family of my own?

What if I’ve been scared of losing time since I went further into my relationship?
I’ve been so scared of running out of time in my own life, that maybe I’m worried a child will cut me off from myself completely.
I’ll look at others lives looking for answers
I don’t think I’ve ever had the space to truly know what I want. I’ve wanted things because of my past not working out, because of what I’m seeing from others; looking to them to guide me life, because of what I see on the telly or read in books. How can I formulate my own want?
I believed myself when I said I wasn’t sure about children, but I believe myself when I say I can see them in the future too. How do I get to the core of myself?
I’m driven my regret of the past, fear of regret from the future, worrying I’m losing time to be what I want to be or do what I want to do, but I don’t even know what that is. I know I’m never going to fully know, but I need to know something to move forward now. To save my relationship.

My friend said the other day, “you haven’t even gone on a weeks holiday together” which is true.
And I’ve known very early on that going abroad was never going to be what would happen.
Maybe he would be able to face his fears and do that for the right person? Maybe I’m not it.

He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel seen. He is patient. He is kind. He is respectful. He is thoughtful. I would be so lucky to have a life and family with him.

I’m making this too big and I need help making it smaller and digestible.

Maybe for the first time in my life I’m realising there’s a different vision I can have and I’m just scared by that at the moment.

That single girl, strong willed, doesn’t need a man, marriage or family narrative fitted me before this relationship and now I’m not sure it does.

My main question is: my decision is I want to be with him and have a life with him. How do I make the decision right?

Despite all this I have so much hope still and think it’s still worth it

Everything is driven by fear – fear of that, fear of this. And I’m so tired of that. I want to be driven by joy and excitement. I want to dive all in and enjoy it – even when a smidge of fear shows up.
I don’t want to live a life where I’m a slave to my fears.

I don’t want to be told he isn’t right for me. I don’t want to be told that it’s better this way if we want different things. I don’t even really know what I do want other than him in my life and going back to the normal us – the us I love so much.

I wish him choosing what he wants for himself meant he was choosing me as well.

Nothing will be enough. I had the best partner, I have a lovely flat, I have a job – but none of it has been enough, I’ve always been asking for more: a partner that did this and that, a relationship that looked and felt like XYZ, a flat here or there but actually no I want a house, a job that so-and-so has, not this job, I want that. As long as it’ll never be enough I’ll never appreciate what I have in front of me until it’s gone. I know some might say that wanting more is ok but I don’t think my wanting more has been healthy, I think it’s been self-sabotaging. Greedy maybe? I’ll never feel satisfied. Even if I had all the things I think I want I don’t think I’d see them, I don’t think I’d appreciate them. There comes a point where it’s unhealthy and I’m asking for so much I don’t appreciate what I have, what’s actually attainable or what I should let go of.
I’ve thought so much was possible for me (highlights and happenings I see others having or living) but maybe they never happened because I didn’t believe enough – didn’t believe in myself enough. Or maybe didn’t want it enough and was afraid of sitting where I was. I’ve been so focused on one element of my life being the “it”, the everything, that I forgot my life can be made up of little things that add up to a whole lotta everything. I focused on having the earth and the sun when I should’ve been enjoying all the little stars. Even this I’m now starting to overthink and add weight to so that’s me signing off!
Never sure of what I want so I don’t realise what I have.

I’ve been wondering if painting myself as someone who isn’t fussed on marriage or children has been a form of protection and creating this identity and worthiness. I’m wondering if I grabbed hold of a portrayal that fitted me when I was single and stuck with that just to uphold something. Maybe because I didn’t believe I was worthy of more or was scared of hurt (ironic really when that’s what I’m feeling).
Why did I think kids were a no for me? Do I really believe it? And if I don’t is it too late?

Want life do I want to build? How do I even answer that.
I’ve been trying to fit into all these versions I thought I could be I’ve lost what I really want, who I really want to be, what makes up me.
How if I don’t know what I want can I push myself forward so I can see the other end of where I’m at now?
I want to let it all go and make space for the better. I want to draw a line under what’s happened and go forward with you. I want to do it all with you and be a team again

Answer:

Sometimes things feel messy as adults – we change, we shed old beliefs, we get curious about new ones, maybe hold on to things that have worked before until they don’t work anymore, and then start the process over.

It sounds like you’re grieving a loss and some big changes on the inside and the outside. Humans aren’t great at change – our brains interpret change as a threat and a direct pathway to harm. It also sounds like you want to know where you’ll end up and find the answers to make that trek easy and quick (or as easy and quick as possible). The future is one great big unknown and trying to divine what ‘the other end’ looks like can feel impossible. Let’s scale back the scope a bit. For now, what would taking one step forward mean or look like to you? Describe some actions, feelings and thoughts that would create the possibility for you to take that step in your next submission.

And as always, extend some love and care to the parts of you that are hurting and be tender with yourself as you navigate this chapter.