Relationship Doubts

Hi,

When I first met my boyfriend we had been friends for a few years, I wasn’t sexually attracted until just before our relationship started, and even then I was still unsure for a month or so. This is one thing that causes me anxiety, as some people say you should feel a strong spark straight away, and I like this idea. When we first got together it felt a little clunky and I didn’t feel that attracted but there was something subtle drawing me to him. We got together a week or so before I moved from my hometown to Bristol for a uni course. In that week or so I met up with him to end things because he had a mental breakdown 5 years ago and suffered from dissociation. I didn’t feel like I could deal with that, I wanted someone happier and more stable, and I also feared that if things didn’t work out he wouldn’t be able to handle it mentally. I told him I didn’t want to carry on as I didn’t want to hurt him, he was understanding but we ended up spending the whole day together and we had a really nice time. It had been so long since I’d experienced enjoying my time so much with a guy. We ended up being intimate and I became more attracted, yet I was still a bit unsure. I then moved to Bristol and started my uni course. In the next few months we visited each other and again I experienced uncertainty, but we were becoming a lot more sexually connected and I eventually fell in love. At one point I visited him in our hometown and I decided to stay because I didn’t want to leave him, I switched my course to study fully online as it was during Covid. So since then I have been in my hometown for the last 2 years. At first I spent half my time at my parents and half my time at his, but since May 2021 I have been living with him. We have our own separate living spaces though as we live off grid on a farm. ANYWAY! 2 years down the line, I have learnt and grown so much in this relationship. I have experienced some really happy times, for the first year or so I felt really happy with him and I felt really physically attracted to him. We have really good communication with each other and don’t often have serious arguments. He is really there for me emotionally, he supports my independence and free will, we laugh a lot together too. But in the past few weeks I’ve been really focused on all of my doubts about him. I still struggle with the fact that he suffers from constant dissociation and low motivation levels. He is improving and sometimes is more motivated but I feel like I am a very driven person and I get a lot more done than him. I find myself wishing I was with someone who was really driven who would spur me on more, inspire me more, and who would show me how I can achieve even more. At the moment he is on benefits and it worries me being with someone who is relying on that. I am very career and money driven and I worry that he will not succeed with the musical projects he is developing. I also want someone who is happier, less traumatised, and who doesn’t have dissociation. He can put on a brave face and appear quite happy, but I know deep down he feels quite disconnected a lot of the time. I know I’m not perfect and I can experience lots of anxiety, but I don’t have any really major trauma like he does. I am also having more moments where I don’t feel that physically or sexually attracted to him, and I am craving that passion more. My heart still feels called to moving to Bristol and I don’t feel drawn to living where I live, so that is another factor at play. I know I could end it and move there, and I have expressed all of my this to him apart from not always feeling physically attracted. He wants me to be happy and he says if I want to leave then he will accept that. The main thing that’s stopping me at the moment is I am fixing the caravan that I’m living in and it’s a long process. If I did want to leave I would need to sell my caravan once it has been fixed, otherwise I would lose out on all the money I have invested. So basically I can’t take any action right now. I’m quite confused and I don’t know if I should be considering ending things. There are lots of good things about him, am I asking for too much or expecting things to be too perfect? I keep reminding myself that no one is perfect. I am also anxious about the idea of moving away and renting a room because I have lived so cheaply for the last 2 years that I haven’t had to work full time and I think I could find that quite difficult and draining. I hope this message isn’t too long but I would really appreciate any guidance you have to offer.

 

 

Answer:

Long thought downloads are welcome here at AAC. Two thoughts that you can question:

I’m quite confused and I don’t know if I should be considering ending things.

I can’t take any action right now

These are both keeping you stuck. They are also both optional ways of thinking. You can do anything you want to, any time you want to. You are an adult. Not making a decision is a decision. You are choosing to stay and you are choosing to feel confused about it. Taking responsibility for this will give you your power back without any of your circumstances changing.  Take a look at why you are staying. How is it benefitting you? Do you like your reasons for staying? What are you making it mean? How is indulging in confusion benefitting you? Exploring this first will help you as you move forward. Bring any models or questions that come up back for more coaching. If you haven’t watched the Autumn workshop about making decisions that will be a great resource for you.