Relationship with my father

Hello coaches, I’m on day 26 of my cycle and would like to use this as an opportunity to organize my thoughts. I have had a difficult relationship with my father for the past 15 years or so. My father grew up with barely any support from his parents, he lived with his grandparents or in a boarding school (where some students were sexually abused and one of these students might be his brother), his father abandoned his family, his mother who is now dead suffered from Alzheimer’s disease and his brother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a few years ago. So he has a really complex family history himself. Furthermore, my dad was bullied at work a few years ago and hasn’t managed to find a new job since then. So he retired which is also difficult for him because most of his life centered around work.

I realize that he never had any support to deal with the emotional effects of all this and it breaks my heart. But his behavior has affected me really strongly so I had to set some strong boundaries in recent years. I realize that he gave everything he could to his own family (i.e. my mum, brother and me). He worked very hard so that we always had more than enough money. But he could never connect with me and really see me. Sometimes I think he doesn’t know me at all. And it makes me so angry. Because outside of my family people like me and value me. And my father often yelled at me when I asked him a simple question (like can you open the can for me), was highly critical of me and still sometimes (when he’s tensed) tries to belittle me and make me small. Because he (or my brother) always had so many problems and I didn’t, I was always involved in their issues irrespective of whether I wanted it or not.

On the one hand it makes me incredibly sad to think about what he had to endure. Considering his background, he achieved a lot. On the other hand it makes me incredibly angry how he has treated me because it has affected me so strongly. Yesterday, I asked him to drive me somewhere and he very kindly agreed. But it made me so tense to be around him (he immediately started to dump all his problems on me) and it’s just often too much for me to deal with him. And this again makes me sad because he so desperately wanted to be a good dad. But he couldn’t give me what I needed as a child because he never got what he needed.

It was good to write this down and have a good cry at the same time. I think my goal would be to move towards acceptance while finding a way to spend time with him that doesn’t drain me. Thank you for reading this x

 

 

Answer:

This is the thought that everything else is building off of: But he could never connect with me and really see me. This is not a fact. It feels like it and you’ve created an entire narrative that supports this thought. Your story of his childhood and how he showed up as a father seems kind and understanding but it’s really still supporting your thought that he doesn’t connect with you or see you. You will never get what you want until you recognize that you have created a model where you are disconnecting yourself from him, today.

Your dad is going to be who he is. You get to decide how you show up in this relationship. You are the one who is feeling so much pain around this. It’s like you’re punching yourself in the face. The best news is you can stop any time you want.

What we are always searching fro is an emotion. What do you want to feel towards your father? Start with the feeling and then open up to letting your internal wisdom and support from TFC help you find it. It’s the most freeing work you can do. Please bring your questions and models here for coaching as much as you’d like.