Relationship with my mom

Hi there,

I need some help with these new ‘ findings’ about myself and my relationship with my mom. Though some sessions at the therapy, it turned out since I was a very young child, I took over my mom’s emotions and moods, there was a lot of noise in our home and my family has always proudly said that ‘ you were such a quiet and nice child, never bothering, never asking for anything, sensitive but such a good girl’.
It turns out this is not something good in itself, I was like this because I had to sit quiet, behave because of the situation at home and my mother’s emotions. My mom never been diagnosed but she has high anxiety and childhood traumas.
Anyway fast forward to now, I realise I still walk on egg shells when it comes to my mom, is she starts crying, I back down and try to console her. An example: my child was sick with flu, had fever, I told my mom in a phone call. I told her because I was worries myself and wanted someone to hear me. She started panicking and telling me I have to go to the hospital, which I knew it wasn’t necessary in this case. When I saw she is starting to worry me more, I went to sleep. My daughter was fine, and next day when I woke up I had calls and messages from my mom. So I called her and told her it is better but it was a tough night for us. Then she exploded me and started to tell me that she is the one stressed, she didn’t sleep out of worry and that I should have gone to the hospital so she(mom) wouldn’t worry.

In that moment, I felt so overwhelmed and felt again bad for my mom that she was worried, and instead of thinking of me or daughter I started being there for my mom. This is basically my life since I can remember.

Now that I what is happening, I am looking for 1) ways to handle my mother and not be sucked into this drama and 2) how to break this to her, that she is been doing this and I want her to stop. Don’t know where to start? I will be travelling home next week and it is giving me anxiety.

 

 

Answer:

A really simple but powerful thought to practice is: “She can be anxious and I don’t have to be.” Or insert whatever emotion is currently happening.  Start with yourself. It sounds like your mother has been this way for a long time. Trying to get her to change may not be possible for you. What if it was ok that she still acted exactly this way? What if she was allowed to be high anxiety and reactive to her childhood trauma triggers? You just expect it. You can even love her just as she is.

AND  you can take back your power by deciding how you want to be as her grown child. You’ve given a great example here. What are all the wins you see in your story about the sick child? What tools did you use to take care of yourself? What went well? What didn’t? What would you do differently next time? How wonderful you have a trip already planned so you can start practicing already. Expect that you will also be reactive to your mother’s reactivity. That’s ok. Let this process unfold.

Do some journaling and think about what result you want. How can you get it?  For example

C: visit to Mother

T:

F:

A:

R: I do not get sucked into drama