Relationship with my sisters/cousins

Hi,

I would like your guidance on the following topic:

I’ve noticed through my models that my relationship (esp. in my head) with my sisters and cousins is a little off – I’m rephrasing: off balance.
I absolutely love them and adore them (two sisters, two cousins), even if we don’t spend as much time together as we would like to.

My husband has been pointing this out over the past years, but I haven’t been really listening and only noticed recently:

I tend to feel bad about things I do/say around them. I think that it has a lot to do with me wanting a deep connection (which I have, especially with two of them), but I tend to gloss over things they do that annoy me, not always speak from my heart/about some things I’m passionate about, and especially ruminate about things I could have said or done differently. Often, there is the fear of being seen as “weird”/”too much”/etc., even if they don’t really give me reasons for that. With my sisters, there is also the thing that I, somehow, feel overly responsible for/protective of their feelings, which causes problems when I don’t like things they do (when I say something, I often feel very bad afterward). All this mostly happens in my head and is not that visible from the outside, I think. I used to think that this was “normal”, and it’s great to uncover this entanglement, but I would love some guidance on how to move forward or out of this slightly toxic thing going on in my head. I’ve been living rather far away from them for many years, but have been quite consistent in keeping in touch over the past years and would love to have a healthier relationship with these great women. I’m somehow stuck. Thanks 🙂

 

Answer:

What would it mean to you to have a deep connection with your sisters and cousins?
Being very clear with what you want will help to see what has to change from where you are now.

Let’s take a look at your current model.
C: Interaction with sister and cousins
T: They may think that I’m too much
F: Fear
A: Gloss over what annoys me
A: Judge myself for things that I do and say around them
A: Don’t speak from my heart
A: Ruminate over the things I did or did not say or do
R: I think that I’m too much

The benefit of looking at the model is to see what you area creating and to see what is the cause. It may seem like it is your interactions that cause fear. It may seem that it is your interactions that stop you from sharing from your heart. It is not those things. It is your thoughts about what you think they will think about you.

This is so good to notice, because it gives you some power back. If it was your interactions that created this for you, then you would be at the mercy of those interactions. They would determine how you feel. When we realize it is our thoughts, then we can begin to see how what you think may or may not be true. You can also evaluate if this helps you toward your goal of having a deeper connection.

How are you able to get a deeper connection if you do not show them who you are? What would it take for you to believe that who you are is amazing as is? Think about how you would show up with them, and where your mind would be.