Relationship with sister-in-law

I am struggling in my relationship with my sister in law at the moment. I find that she regularly wants to Zoom and writes me a lot of texts that say ‘miss you’ and ‘can’t wait to see you’ and ‘I think of you often’. I find that I don’t feel the same level of reciprocal feeling and feel a bit claustrophobic even though I can see that she values me and this should make me feel valued. We have very similar interests, she is an artist (I love art), I am a child therapist and she is now studying psychology. She has a nose piercing – so do I – we both love travel/interiors etc. Sometimes I feel that we could be best friends, other times I find her needy/smug about her life. Sometimes I notice I think there isn’t room for both of us in the family. In the holidays, I will spend much time with her in the wider family and I’d like to find a way to see her reaching out to me as something positive and to enjoy her rather than feel jealous or that I am not good enough at being a friend/sister in law.

 

 

Answer:

Let’s do a model to see what is happening.

C: sister-in-law texts “miss you”

T:I find that I don’t feel the same level of reciprocal feeling and I should

F: claustrophobic

A: compare mysef with her, “should” on myself, tell myself I’m not good enough, compete with her, anything else you do or don’t do when you’re feeling claustrophobic?

R: I’m not being true to me

Can you see how when you think you have to respond a certain way or you have to like her attention all the time you get stuck in a thought loop that doesn’t feel authentic? This really has very little to do with her and everything to do with the way you are thinking. This is the best news! Because as you already noticed, you could be best friends if you wanted. Not because you both have nose piercings, but because of the way you choose to think about her so you can enjoy this relationship. As of now, you’re stuck together. So you just get to decide how you want to show up.  What would your intentional model look like if you kept the same circumstance?

I would also offer that she’s almost like a fan of yours. She just adores you and thinks you are amazing. And she might be needy and she might be looking for validation because she’s a human who wants to know where she stands with you. Can you have compassion for that? Just like you’re figuring out how you want to relate with her, she’s doing the same thing. We really are all alike! What do you think?