Resentment in my romantic relationship / Autumn thoughts and emotions .

I have a mix of emotions about my current relationship, I’ve been with my partner for 5 years now but since the very beginning there were a lot of things he did that hurt me really bad that I did not addressed and I find it very difficult to forgive myself for that, I needed to stand up for myself and I didn’t. One of the recurring issues was his drinking and substance abuse, I really disliked the relationship whenever he drank because he would make a mess of the house, interrupt my sleep, leave me with a bunch of responsibilities, it was horrible for me; another big problem was that he’d yell at me (when he was sober) and it made me really scared how angry he could get whenever he felt like I disobeyed him (I feel very stupid staying in a relationship with someone that believes I should obey him, but anyways) so this year I finally managed say to him that I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m being yelled at or feel scared (I also let him know that this includes him yelling at his sisters, his mom, or my family members) I was very scared in the moment and I had to talk in the less upsetting tone so that he wouldn’t lash out at me and I hated that I had to swallow my emotions and that he didn’t even apologized, he just asked me if I wanted to do something nice the next day.
After that, things were better for a couple of months but his drinking started to affect my job again so I left for a couple of months (and I feel so dumb that this has happened so many times and I’m still here) again I lied/sugarcoat my reasons for leaving, it was only after his birthday party that I felt it was safe to let him know that I wasn’t ok with the frequency of his drinking and use of drugs. I feel resent about sugarcoating what I needed to say because I do it to avoid anything that will make me scared (I’ve been in abusive relationships before so fear is a very challenging emotion for me), I wish I could feel safe in my body to express how I’m truly feeling with him, to express my side of how it’s like to be his partner regardless of his reactions, or prioritize safety and then figure a way to validate my own emotions later on. I know this relationship is really great in many ways but most days were really awful because of his drinking and his anger, I feel like I’ve fallen out of love, bored, uninspired and not attracted to my partner anymore but I know I care about him and love him, people say stable relationships are boring so maybe I just have a very basic stable relationship despite everything. I know this is way better than being in an abusive relationship and I don’t want to be alone. I just feel like there’s no way I could get a better relationship for myself or that there’s no better partner for me, I’m scared that I could leave him and not even find anyone I like. All of this makes me think that I should just forget all the things that have happened before so that I can find peace, swallow it all and move forward.
I don’t know how to start untangling any of this because I know in theory how I want to feel like in a relationship (safe, happy and excited) but I feel emotionally and romantically disconnected, numb and burned out. I’m also in my autumn, just a few days away from my period so, I’m allowing myself to feel out loud what I’m feeling, my brain feels very foggy and trying to put this into a model feels really hard at the moment but if someone could help me, I would love to have some direction or a way to make progress through all the emotions and resentment because I’m tired of constantly doubting either this relationship or myself.
I know this is not very specific or polished but thank you so much in advance <3

 

 

Answer:

We never need to be polished in coaching. In fact, the messier and more honest the better. When we can look at what’s really happening we can really address the root of the problem. Thank you for bringing your heart here. How did it feel to give yourself permission to write all of this out? Have you had any thoughts or feelings since you submitted your question?

One sentence that really stood out was this one: I’m scared that I could leave him and not even find anyone I like.

Do you think that you could like you? In a relationship or out, what brings the most pain and suffering is when we aren’t loving ourselves. If you put R: I like me in your result line, what would the rest of your model look like? You can put anything you want in here, even if it’s not believable now, let yourself dream a bit.

C: me

T: What would you want to think about you to create this emotion?

F: How would you need to feel to take these actions?

A: What would you need to do to create this result? What would you not do?

R: I like me (start here and move up)

Here are just a few questions that might help you as you ponder:

It’s possible to love someone and not be with them, how could that be true for you?

People say stable relationships are boring, so what? Is that what you want? Do you like that belief?

If he never changed his behaviour, would you still want to be with him? Are you willing to put in the energy it would take to make things work?

What if this was easy?

What feels the most like love?