Resentment In My Romantic Relationship / Autumn Thoughts And Emotions – Part 2

It felt good to write all the things in my previous submission, the process of doing it brought clarity in regards to my emotions. I also felt guilty about writing all of this, like I was being unfair with my partner; it felt scary, I felt scared that he would find out my raw feelings and thoughts and it would cause problems again.
Now I think it’s possible for me to love him and not be with him because I know I won’t stay if the behavior continues. I feel like I’m waiting for it to happen again though, so that this time I can take the exit, or the chance to say out loud “this is not ok”. I also sense there’s kind of a mental block, like there’s no real reason to leave him because all of the yelling and substance abuse is in the past now, it’s like I missed the opportunity and now I’m in a limbo. I do appreciate all his qualities, he’s really supportive and I am absolutely sure that he loves me and cares deeply about me, he’s going through a big loss right now and leaving him is something I don’t want to do; he’s currently not drinking and it doesn’t seem like he will be doing it any time soon.

But still, if this was easy I would leave, I need to, at least, process some of the emotions and acknowledge this wasn’t ok, for me it has been exhausting and distressing and I’m burned out. I want a fresh, happy relationship with someone I can fully trust and rely on, I also just want to enjoy my time doing things I like when I want to. And I don’t want to carry any fears that it will be the same again in the future or that I’ll later on realize it was a mistake to stay with him. I want to enjoy my relationships.

This is my model
R: I like me
A: I protect the things I value in life and relationships (trust, safety, joy, autonomy) by doing more things I enjoy, by searching places and people to share them with and by celebrating with myself. I don’t sacrifice my values to be with him, I don’t compromise these things hoping the relationship will somehow change. I won’t accept an agreement just to make peace without thinking about what I’m giving up, I won’t focus solely on the relationship, I won’t make it the only thing I have for me.
F: I feel safe that I have my back and that I’ll protect what I value.
T: I am capable of enjoying life and I’m happy about myself.
C: Me

After working through the model I felt so much better, I think I’m going to print it and keep it close to me so that I can refresh my mind every time I feel myself struggling with my thoughts. It makes me feel happy, calm and open to life and all the things I love doing, it makes me feel safe within myself. I made it backwards because it helped my brain do the thought process again.

I think the resentment comes from the fact that we never really talked about how things have been for me, my boyfriend can’t hear how his behavior impacted me, it drives him really out of his window of tolerance, but to me it doesn’t feel safe to put it all under the rug, I needed some acknowledgment that this has been a problem for years that still impacts how I feel in the relationship today.
I think what feels the most like love in the context of the relationship is to feel safe enough to talk about challenging things; that feels like an intimacy we don’t have and I always wanted. It also feels like love to let go, to be ok with the fact that he may want to drink, he may actually not need to talk about how our partner made us feel and it doesn’t mean that I have to change him or myself, it could just mean that I’m not in the right place.

 

 

Answer:

What a lovely place to be able to create. Congratulate yourself for doing the work to get there. Not just this one self coaching session, but all the little things past you has done to be able to find this much clarity and calm in a situation that could  go so many ways. Give yourself some gold stars.

Whatever you decide, you’ll know that you are making the best decision because you’ve made it from a place that feels so aligned with you and your values.

You’re right, it can be scary to let out the truth but there’s no guilt necessary. When we are hiding what we truly think and feel in order to keep the peace, that is not honest. It’s like we’re lying to ourselves and our person. You don’t have to share everything that came out, but what did allowing yourself to look right at your thoughts give you?