Responding to my mum’s questions about a decision I’ve made

Hello coaches,

I’d like some coaching on my plan for how to respond to questions from my mum about a decision I’ve made.

For context, I did not initially tell my parents about my decision to reduce my working hours to a 4 day week. My reason for this was that I predicted that my mum would be critical of the decision, and I wanted to protect myself from that criticism and be free to use the extra day per week to look after myself and explore options for a career change without needing to answer a lot of questions. My model being:

C: Mum asks questions and has opinions about me reducing work hours to a 4 day week
T: I need to have it all figured out
F: Stressed
S: Shoulders rise towards my ears, tension in arms and legs
A: Defend my decision
Question my own decision
R: Put pressure on myself to figure out the answers

My parents have now found out because my partner mentioned it in front of them as he was unaware that I hadn’t told them. In the moment I fended off questions by saying that I was really tired and not open to discussing it, but my Mum responded by saying that ‘I will tell her more won’t I?’ and in the moment I prioritised avoiding conflict and agreed to what she was asking for.

Now, I realise that to engage in a discussion about it would be entirely for her, to not upset her as she doesn’t like to feel shut out. But I am not responsible for her feelings. What I want is to have the time and space to use my day off each week to explore different options, put myself in alternative ‘rooms’ in small ways while staying in the ‘wrong room’ (my job) for a bit longer while waiting for and going through the IVF process and also simply to look after my wellbeing. I don’t want to have to defend or justify my decision.

So I’m in the process of working out how to tell her that my decision to reduce my working hours is not up for discussion in a way that is kind, but also firm enough that we do not end up debating whether or not I should be telling her more. So far I have come up with the following statement which I would like to say: ‘I have made the decision to reduce my working hours to explore options for a change in career and to look after my wellbeing over the next few months, which will likely be a challenging time. Answering questions is not going to be helpful right now, so I am not open to discussing it.’

But I am unsure how this will go down and scared it will result in getting drawn into a discussion or even spiraling into an argument about the whole thing, mainly because her feelings will be hurt if she thinks I am shutting her out, based on her previous reactions to similar situations where I have resisted informing her of goings on in my life.

So I guess I’m looking for coaching to help me feel more equipped to say what I already know I want to say.

 

Answer:

I love creating a plan when I have to do something hard. In situations like this, the plan isn’t just about what you’ll do, it’s also about what to expect. Let’s start with what you can anticipate showing up…assuming that your mom will be exactly the way you can expect her to be, what might you expect to feel during this conversation?  List all of the things that you think you will feel. If you expected these emotions to be present, or drop in, how can you let yourself experience them without it being a problem? Think of things you can say to yourself, or to the feeling itself to process it or acknowledge it while staying oriented toward your goal of communicating that this decision is not up for discussion.

Sometimes, even when we know what we want to say, what we want to do, and how we want to feel, it still feels hard and scary, and the thing we need most is courage.