Responsibility and Blame in a family unit

I’m a new member to TFC and wanted to ask for help using the two models to work through a recent situation around taking responsibility and blame within a family unit.

For a little wider context I believe both me and my partner are functioning in our symphatic nervous system’s a lot of the time currently. We have had a very tough summer where he received a cancer diagnosis which is thankfully now treated and medically over, we are parents to an amazing16 month baby who keeps us very busy, and we are currently in disputes with a rogue builder. So that’s the wider context…

(Unintentional)
C: After lunch out I suggested going on somewhere else to buy an ice cream. My 16 month old daughter had a crying fit in the store. During this episode my partner said: “Getting ice cream was a really bad idea” and sat arms folded watching our daughter unravel.
T: My partner blames me for our daughter’s meltdown because I suggested the activity.
F: Anger
A: -Launched into “super mum” mode carrying our daughter and pushing the buggy.
-Decided to retreat home.
-Did not ask my partner for help when he suggested that we get home alone while he leaves us to buy milk in the supermarket.
-Having got our over tired daughter off for a nap I felt completely exhausted and sad that the good Sunday family afternoon vibes we had created had fizzled into sadness and resentment.
R: I experience my partner as if he blames me when things go wrong.

Trying to think this circumstance through in the intentional model is where I struggle and can’t help thinking that by just simply changing my thought, am I not just deluding myself that he wasn’t blaming me??

Options I came up with are:

[Intentional Model]
C: After lunch out I suggested going on somewhere else to buy an ice cream. My 16 month old daughter had a crying fit in the store. During this episode my partner said: “Getting ice cream was a really bad idea” and sat arms folded watching our daughter unravel.
T: Agreement, getting ice cream was a really bad idea.
F: Compassion and resourcefulness
A: Discuss with my partner what we should do in the situation.
R: My experience with my partner is that we are working as a team.

The model feels a bit thin, like it is just patching up one scenario but not addressing a bigger issue around responsibility and blame in relationships -I feel like this is a repeating situation where I am taking responsibility for everyone’s happiness and when that doesn’t happen I also shoulder the blame for things going to shit.

I’m also left looking over these thought models and now using it to beat myself up and find problems in the way I think and behave. Do I push our family too much to fulfil a romantic ideal I have of what a family should be doing on a Sunday??

Do you have any pointers on the way I am trying to use the model here? Perhaps there is a different thought suggestion you could make?

x

Answer:

If it feels thin, there’s a reason, and it’s usually that your UM still needs processing. That’s a great place to be! I think your result is very accurate, and I would also suggest that the result you create is that you blame him for how you experienced the remainder of the day. Models are for us and us only. So if you’re thinking that creating an IM is letting him off the hook, you’re wrong…he’s going to have his experience of the world no matter what model you’re living in. You could still be boiling mad and he could think, “I didn’t do or say anything wrong. I’m off the hook.”

He might have been blaming you for how the afternoon went, but regardless of his reality, you get to choose how respond to his words. Let’s look at a different model and start by plugging in your desired R line. What result would you like to create in an ideal world when you notice the thought, “My husband is blaming me…” How would you need to feel to take those actions? What would you need to think that would create that feeling?

C: The thought, “My partner blames me for our daughter’s meltdown”

R: How would you like to experience yourself when you notice this thought?

A: What would you need to do and not do (or stop doing) to create that experience?

F: What feeling inspires you to take those actions?

T: What thought(s) creates that feeling?

The model gives us a structured opportunity to examine our thoughts and choose to let them stick or not. You don’t need to agree, and you can decide that feeling angry is absolutely okay, AND if your goal is to not blame your husband for how you experience the rest of the day, you can find a way to do that too. It starts with noticing your thoughts, deciding if you like what they’re creating for you, and getting curious about how to create what you want if they’re not. How does this model open up space for a different outcome of your experience of yourself? Tell us in a follow up submission titled, “Blame pt. 2”.