Sad and withdrawn whilst on holiday

I have just returned from a trip abroad with my partner of 3 years and my daughter who is nearly 5. It is a trip I had been having some anxiety about and had wondered for a while about whether I would acutally take. In the approach to it I was feeling excited. I’d had a good couple of cycles with PMDD not feeling like it was controlling me as much and I felt in a good place. The anxiety I think stems from having taken the same trip when my daughter was approaching 2 years old but the decision was to leave her at home with her biological dad for just 6 days. I remember the same excitement in the run up to going but on arriving I felt completely withdrawn, lost, tearful, feeling like I had made terrible decsions in life and I just wished the days away until I could see my daughter. At this point I didn’t realise I was displaying common symptoms of PMDD and in the past year I’ve realised the dates of that trip were on my cycle days 16-21 and it was a bit of comfort to look back with an ‘aaah that explains it’ moment. We did also say that the next trip away would be with my daughter as I put our separation down to a lot of me feeling so lost.

So 3 years later we take the same trip, to the same place, at the same time of year – the reason for this is my partner lived here before we became a couple and he has family we can stay with. The journey there with it being my daughter’s first flight was fun but a long day. I tucked her into bed in my parnters cousins apartment and as I sat with my partner I could feel my mood changing. I felt the same fog appearing and that was the start of me feeling anxious and quite withdrawn for the days that followed. I was there from cycle day 5 to 12 and we’d said it seemed like great timing for me being able to relax and not overthink things. Every day my daughter said she missed home, she missed daddy and her friends. I felt that same feeling of missing home. I felt terrible guilt of taking her away from where she is settled. I felt guilt for taking her on her first flight without her dad getting to experience it too. I am incredibly affected by my daughter’s mood and in many ways if she’s happy, I am, if she’s out-of-sorts, then I feel to blame. It felt like another holiday of just wanting to get home.

Simply walking through the door of our house I felt like it gave me a massive hug. I spent the next couple of days unpacking and getting back to normal routines but I felt a sense that I was buffering. I’m so scared of my ability to push away emotions. I felt things while I was away, knots in my stomach, a feeling that something isn’t right, a feeling that I was convinced I needed to act on. With my partner we’re building a great life, a wonderful house in a great community, he’s supportive and we have a very good understanding of each other, but I just feel so unsettled sometimes. Now we are back home I feel happier but shaken by the week away. Do I just put my anxiety down to being away from my usual life and routines and get back to normal or should I not ignore things that seemed so strong whilst I was away?

 

Answer:

The best person to answer that question is you.

If you looked at what was going on while you were away, you mentioned guilt from the thought that you were taking your child away from home and her father not being on her first flight. In what ways was it ok for your daughter to be away from home? In what ways was it ok for her dad not be with her on her first flight?

The other part of your question is seeing some of your feelings as being away from your routine. How is it ok if you feel unsettled when you change what is familiar to you? The idea is to show yourself some tenderness for what you experienced.

In regards to buffering why did you feel that is what you are doing? Buffering is usually an activity that is to avoid a negative feeling, and it creates a net negative effect from doing it. It sounds like you were not avoiding a feeling, but rather feeling a good feeling from being home. Please, feel free to write more if something is missing there.

When you look back at the experience, what do you want to gain from it?